


Loving yourself

by She_Who_Shall_Not_Be_Named



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Adommy - Fandom, Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-07
Updated: 2012-01-24
Packaged: 2017-10-29 02:51:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 22,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/315024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/She_Who_Shall_Not_Be_Named/pseuds/She_Who_Shall_Not_Be_Named
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So here it is, my very first fanfic, keyword here being FICTION. It’s my tribute to the unique, real and beautiful bond/friendship Adam Lambert and Tommy Joe Ratliff have with each other. Like so many others boys and girls I too was soooo turned on and intrigued by Adommy, often talking about the ‘what if-factor’ and voilà this is the result. Please remember this is fiction, and that both our boys have found a loving partner in real life.</p><p>Feel free to leave any feedback :-)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

*Room 305*

She knocked on the door – 3 times - at exactly 3:04 AM just like the note said. A note was slipped back under the door before it opened. _‘USE THE BLINDFOLD YOU’LL FIND ON THE BED AND LAY ON YOUR BELLY’_  She wondered who he could be, she’s been with this client before and never ever did he say a word, never ever did she see his face, only knowing his touch – sometimes so gentle almost fragile, sometimes a bit rough and dominant yet always respectful - only knowing the smell of his skin and the little sounds he makes just before he comes. Being the professional she was, she’s seen it all, all the sorts of man that pay for her services yet this client, this one intrigued her.

As she entered the room she took of her coat putting it down with her handbag on the chair standing in the left corner. It was the same kind of room they or better said he’s always take, a large family suite with a master bedroom and a separate smaller one for the kids. She smiled as she passed along the kids bedroom. The door being shut, she knew he was in there waiting for her to call.

Like always he’d prepared the room, maybe it made him more relaxed or was it a part of his fantasy, whatever the reason was she liked it. _Why couldn’t all my clients be like this?_ She smiled as she was thinking the words in her head. This time there were candle’s everywhere, filling the room with a playful light not to mention very nice warmth. And yes, like always, he left her a short poem and a box of Belgian chocolates.

 

 _… Why can’t you see, it is with you I need to be…  
Why do you go on and play when all I want is for you to stay…  
Why can’t I tell you what I feel, so you can help me heal…_

 

Taking off her clothes and underwear, she laid them orderly in the bathroom.  She crawled on to the bed, taking the blindfold and putting it on. Her hair got caught between it and she adjusted the blindfold a bit. Placing herself in the middle of the bed, searching and finding a soft pillow to rest her head on. The silk sheets felt good underneath her, the cold touch, recognizing his smell in the soft fabric made her smile – again.

“I’m ready, you can come out” she said gently.

It didn’t take long this time before she heard the door open en the sound of his footsteps on the wooden floor. Soft and light like always. He gently stroked the outside of her leg as he passed by the bed.

This would be different this time; she could sense it the minute he climbed onto the bed next to her. She felt his hardness gently press against her hips as he moved towards her, positioning himself on top of her. This was new indeed; he’d never been this direct before, always taking his time like he needed to overcome his shyness.He gently moved one hand between her legs encouraging her to open them a bit more. His hand, like in slow motion, touched her inner thighs, brushing her lips, softly playing with her clit. His fingers barely touching her skin yet close enough so she could feel the warmth of his fingers. She couldn’t help but let out a soft moan, pro or not, she did have real feelings and needs and sometimes clients really did push her buttons in all the right order and this, this she liked very much. There was no doubt in her mind he couldn’t feel and see how much she was enjoying this as her body was heating up, her inner thighs becoming more and more wet under his so captivating touch.

 _Oh damn, the hell with it, pro or not_ she thought as she expressed what her body wanted “Fuck me… please… you’re driving me nuts”

 _What the… ?!? Why the fuck did she do this!?! Fuck!!!_ He froze as he heard her say these words.

 _S_ he never ever spoke before - it was part of the arrangement - that’s what he paid for… An anonymous, silence and easy fuck.

 _What the hell was she doing saying these words?_

It caught him of guard, bringing back doubt and fear in his mind at the speed of light. As if this wasn’t hard enough on him as it was, sure he’d been with girls before, many in fact. After all straight guys fuck girls, let there be no doubt about it. Looking down, as if he wanted to see with his own eyes what he had already felt the second she had spoken, … his hardness … was no more.

 _Oh Sophie, you fucking idiot!_ she whispered to herself as she said the words out loud. She lay still on the bed as she felt him freeze under her words, waiting for a reaction of some kind. But nothing came, no movement, no sound, just total silence.

 _What is he doing? Why isn’t he moving anymore?_ Thoughts as to why were filling her mind.

“I’m sorry. I’m so truly sorry sir..  I… I broke the rules” she said quietly.

 _You sure did!... You fucking bitch!!_ He didn’t say it out loud, still frozen by fear, by this unexplainable paralyzing fear. His eyes started to burn as he was fighting hard to hold back the tears not wanting to give away how miserable and utterly confused he felt right now. Neither one moved for what might have seemed like 30 minutes. Finally managing to find some form of composure he climbed out of the bed, rushing to the kids bedroom where he’d been hiding when she came in.

“Please leave!” he shouted as he closed the door.

She got out of bed, not knowing what to do or to say to make this right. _What did just happen? Why did he react like this?_ Her mind searched for answers, yet finding more questions as she did. She got dressed, walked to the chair where she had laid down her coat and handbag. He could hear the door close behind her as she left the click of the door acting like a switch on button to him.

Tears started rolling down his face as he screamed out his pain and his rage, this huge frustration, this agony that’s been eating at him, tearing him apart for weeks. Falling on the ground as he finally let it all out. His heart raging in his chest, every fiber in his body causing him intense pain as his muscles cramped up one by one . A sharp stabbing pain in his stomach, his lungs sore from the uncontrolled sobbing and hyperventilating. He was a mess. Never in his 29 years did he ever felt this bad… this lost … this alone… this hurt.


	2. Chapter 2

07:15 AM. A sharp loud buzzing started echoing through the bus.

“Mmmmrrrr…” a deep growl came from under the covers. _Oh God_. _I so hate that stupid alarm of his_ Isaac thought as he pulled his pillow on to his ears trying to block out the sound.  

“Tommy? Tommy!!“ “Come on man, snooze that fucking alarm!!”  
“Ratliff!! You bastard, I’m so kicking your ass if you make me get up for this”

Isaac jumped out of his bunk cursing out loud as he walked towards Tommy’s. _How the fuck can he sleep through this wretched noise? No matter how wasted I would be, no way I could endure this._

“Dude! You drunk punk ass idiot! Prepare to meet your master!” Isaac said as he was grabbing a cup of water ready to splash it all over his face as he pulled away the curtain. The water did splash all over the pillow and sheets as Isaac had yanked away the curtain revealing also why no one had put out the alarm in the first place: Tommy’s bunk had been unslept .

Doing a good look around in the bus he couldn’t see a note anywhere. Isaac headed back over to his bunk, reaching into his jeans pocket for his cell. 3 new text messages the screen indicated. A cheesy grin appeared on his face as he flipped it open, expecting a  ‘ _Don’t wait up for me, I’m having a nightly workout_.’ kinda text. Instead all 3 messages were from Duff .   _Hmmm, where you at Tommy boy?  Come on, send me a sign here_ Isaac said to himself _._

They made this little arrangement at the beginning of the tour: Always leave a note or text someone when you’re staying out for the night no matter what or who the reason was. _This is so not like you Tommy, after all you came up with this rule_ he reminded himself remembering what brought on this rule in the first place. Sasha had lost her phone once when she was out with her sister Nicole and when she finally realized it, well people had gotten really worried since no one could reach her nor her sister. “We’re family guys, you’re my family, we look out for each other, so from now on this rule applies to us all, no buts.” He almost could hear Tommy’s voice say it as he relived it.

“Terrance? Monte? You guy’s awake? Do you mind looking at your phones?”

“Huh?” Monte mumbled.  
“What? Why do you want my phone?” Yawning as his brain was coming online.

“See if you got a text from Tommy, he hasn’t slept here and there’s no note”

Terrance took his cell from under his pillow giving it to Isaac. He’d had a text, from Taylor, saying he’ll be back around 5 pm.  “Nothing on mine.” Monte said as he looked at his phone.

Not wanting to waste time with texting he called Tommy’s number. After the 5th ring his voice mail kicked in ‘ _Yo motherfuckers, you know the drill, spit it out…..…_ ’

“Tommy, it’s Isaac, you’re clearly out but since you didn’t leave a note. Well I’m a bit worried… Call or text me as soon as you hear this bud… Love ya”

3 hours and twenty or so messages later he entered the other tour bus walking straight up to Adam’s bedroom knocking on the door before opening it. “Adam? It’s Isaac, can I come in? You alone in there?”

 “Yeah sure drummerboy! I was about to get out of bed but please do come on in! Get naked and join me!” Adam laughed out loud as he realized what he had just said to Isaac, thinking about maybe finding some willing fanboy he could invite on to his bus and in his bed tonight.

He stuffed up some pillows behind his back as he was sitting up, adjusting the covers so he kept warm. “What’s wrong? Something happened?”  he asked seeing Isaac’s face and inviting him to sit on the bed.

“It’s probably nothing Adam, I feel stupid telling you this but I’m kinda worried. Tommy didn’t sleep on the bus last night. He left no note, none of us got a text and I’ve left over 20 messages on his voice mail in the last 3 hours. Could you check your cell, just in case?”

“Yeah sure.”  Adam took his i-phone from the nightstand, checking the messages he’d received during the night. There were a few but none from or regarding Tommy. “Nothing, I could tell ya that no news is good news. Or even better let me try calling him, Tommy always takes my calls.” activating speed dial number 5 as he said it.

Meanwhile at room 305 the sound of Nine Inch Nails ‘Wish’ woke him up. It took a few long moments or was it missed calls to realize where he was. The slightest movement made him dizzy to a point of almost wanting to throw up. His head felt as if it was an overripe watermelon used as a punching bag and ready to burst. Memories from last night very slowly came back as the neurons and synapses in his brain became active - the hooker, the breakdown, the booze, the vomiting, the final decision.

It took him more than 20 minutes just to get up from the bedroom floor, wishing the fuck he had put his cell in silent mode. Nine Inch Nails wasn’t exactly the kind of music anyone needed when being this hung over and surely not this song. Tommy’s eyes scanned the room, trying to find some bearing as to where he was in the room. He didn’t see much as all the lights, except the one on the nightstand, were out and the curtains closed. _Light, a bit more light would be good right now_ he thought, but then again, the 747 apparently flying around in his head said otherwise.

His cell rang again, and again and again, finally forcing him to walk or better said make a kind of like-struggling-very-hard-to-make-a-miserable-attempt-of-coordinated-movements-of-his-limbs  in direction of that fucking thing that was torturing his head. Picking it up immediately changing the profile to silent. 23 missed calls he saw - all from Isaac _. How am I gonna explain this to Isaac? To the others? What have I done? How will they react? Oh well, fuck em all!_

The walk to the bed to get his phone - how insignificant this action may seem and is – has left him exhausted. As he laid himself onto the bed, he could hear the crackles of paper underneath him. Tommy sat up straight, or at least tried, using his cell as a flashlight. A bunch of fumbled and torn papers were lying not only in and around the bed but all over the room. _What’s with the paper? All_ _that shit. Don’t remember writing. This shit is mine? Fucking blackout._ He picked up the closest one to him, attempting to see what was on it however barely making up what was written on it. Sure thing, the excruciating headache and lack of light weren’t helping at all. With that fumbled piece of paper still in his hand, he fell asleep again.

Metallica’s acoustic version of Nothing Else Matters started playing. Being one a few people having the VIP tag in Tommy’s phone, his number was programmed to ring out loud even in silent mode. 

“What?” he snarled into the phone.

“And good morning to you too pretty kitty. Just wanted to make sure you’re ok.” Adam’s voice sounded soft and gentle.

“Just leave me the fuck alone, I’m….. “ Unable to finish his sentence as be burped loudly into the phone. “…. Hung over, wanna sleep now.”

“So I hear”

“Yeah man, I’m telling ya. Leave me the fuck alone!! Mind your own damn business!!”  His voice was cold, his tone aggressive, his nerves clearly on edge.

 “Have it your way, weekly team meeting has been moved to 8 PM. Be there.”

“Yeah, yeah whatever.” Hanging up before Adam could say something back.

Adam lay down his phone with an upsetting déjà-vu feeling. He tried to hide it as he turned to Isaac. “He’s fine, if you don’t take his hangover into account. He’ll be on time for the team meeting later today.” Reading Isaac’s thoughts he went on “Want me to try and talk to him? Can’t promise anything.”

“Yeah, that would be great. Thanks Adam.”

On the way back to his own bus, Isaac remembered the last time Tommy ignored him like this. It was when his dad passed away. The grief was too much for him to handle and he’d shut down all together. Granted Isaac was grieving himself at the time, being unable to support his friend like he would have wanted to. Adam being Adam, he had taken all the time and patience it needed to get through to Tommy. Finally knocking down the wall he’d build up around him, helping him letting out the pain over losing his dad. _If anyone can get Tommy to talk, it’s Adam. He has that effect on people._

 _Just like that time with his dad, only worse_ Adam thought. He’s bound to come in sooner or later. His mind quickly thinking on what to do he’d sent a text to Isaac. ‘ _Discretely grab some clean clothes for him and his toothbrush, also bring his black and red hoody_.’  A few minutes later Isaac walked in carrying a plain green plastic bag. “Everyone’s out” he said to Adam.

“Do me a favor, tell the others to give him a break” as he took over the bag with Tommy’s stuff.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Adam was given a list of instructions to the head of the security, handing him over 3 envelopes as he was explaining what he wanted from them. “When Tommy comes in, make sure he gets and reeds it. Force his hand if necessary. Also call me the minute he walks in. Do a regular check around the trailer so he’s not disturbed.”

“Sure thing sir.”  I’ll give an envelope to my men at each entry gate right away. As soon as I have confirmation on Mr. Ratliff’s arriving I’ll let you know. I’ll inform the kitchen of your demand. Do you want it to be brought up to your trailer?”

“No I’ll pick it up myself on my arrival.”

“Duly noted Mr. Lambert.”

“Thank you for your help, much appreciated and please call me Adam” shaking his hand, looking back one last time before stepping in to the car as he drove off.

Back in room 305 Tommy had looked at the time after hanging up on Adam. - 10:20 AM - The band wasn’t playing tonight, they had a day off and Tommy vaguely remembered how they all had made plans for today. There would be no one on the bus. He managed to pull himself together, if that was even remotely possible seen how bad he felt, grabbing his things together so he could check out. Acting on autopilot he hadn’t even noticed that he had stuffed all these fumbled papers in his backpack instead of throwing them in the wastebasket. He had called reception telling them to prepare his check out and to call for a car.

On his way down to the lobby, he looked at his reflection in the elevator mirror; baseball cap underneath his grey hoody, sunglasses, sneakers and a brown leather coat he’d took out of Taylor’s suitcase. No one would recognize him looking like this, plus without his make-up and fucked up hangover face he looked like any other anonymous, non-important totally screwed dickhead. He’d already given his credit card number to the clerk as he had checked in. This would just be a formality, handing over the magnetic keycard and signing the bill before getting in the car and getting the hell away.

“There you go sir, all is in order. Your ride is waiting right outside on your left side.”

“Thanks.” _Oh fuck I feel bad. Why the hell did I leave that fucking room?_

Tommy’s head was about to explode as he walked outside, his stomach almost turning inside out as he was confronted with the noises and bright light of the city. _Please don’t let me puke, please don’t let me puke_ his brain was screaming at his body. He let out a deep sigh of relieve as he reached the car, stepping inside and giving the address to the driver. The lack of sleep, the excess of booze, the emotional breakdown and the lack of food took its toll and he started to shiver. He was freezing, rubbing his hands against each other in a miserable attempt to warm himself.

“My god lad, you look like shit!” The driver said as he looked back to Tommy in an acknowledgment to the address he’d received. “Rough nightI guess. Went through a couple of those myself over the years.”  _Ah yes, those were the days of my life_ he said to himself. “I’ll just keep quiet and crank up the heating for ya son.” Looking in his rearview mirror he could see Tommy nodding back slowly. 25 minutes later, the cab pulled over onto the grounds of the Olympia Exhibition Hall. Tommy handed a generous tip to the driver. The silence and the heating had eased the pain a bit in his head and he was thankful to the man for keeping his mouth shut during the ride. He got out and walked towards the suppliers entrance searching and finding his backstage pass in the inside pocket of Taylor’s coat.

Not recognizing who stood before him, the security guard did his job like he was supposed to. “Morning sir, do you have an access card or backstage pass?” 

Tommy showed him his black and golden band backstage pass:  ‘Tommy Joe Ratliff – band member to Adam Lambert’ as he walked in.

“Mr Ratliff? Excuse me sir, can you please remove your sunglasses? We need to check identities.”

 _Oh come on you prick, don’t give me a hard time. Not in the mood for this kind of shit._ “Dude, I’m hung over and badly need to piss. Just let me in!”

“No can do sir, we’ve received new – more strict - guidelines and procedures. Fans and press have been trying to get inside posing as suppliers. Just take them off sir.”

Tommy sighed deeply letting out a deep and well-meant “FUCK” taking off his sunglasses. The security guard matched his face to the face on the backstage pass. “Come on through sir. Why didn’t you take the main entrance if I may be so bold?”

“Look at me dude, I look like shit. Don’t want seeing my face like this on Twitter.”

“Nah, you just look tired sir. I’ve seen worse, believe you me. We all have seen worse with some bands.” The security guard lied. _Man, you really do look like shit, almost a walking zombie_ he thought as he looked at Tommy. His skin had a gray color, his eyes were bloodshot and dull. He was trembling like a leave and leaning on the counter of his desk in order to maintain his balance and there was that unmistakable smell of vomit surrounding him.

“Mr Ratliff, hold on please.” Stopping him as he wanted to try and walk over to his bus. “We’ve been instructed to give you this as soon as you arrived” the security guard said as he reached for the envelope. Handing it over to Tommy he said “I’ve been ordered to tell you that you must open and read it. Transportation will be arranged for you.”

 _What the fuck is this shit? Fuck you Isaac!!_ Thinking the note came from him. _I don’t have time for this, I need to piss! Wanna shove a finger down my throat, puke my guts out, crawl into a hole and sleep like forever._ Immediately recognizing Adam’s handwriting as he took out the note.

 

 _Take my trailer, you’ll find everything you need there. It’s all been taken care of._

 _I’m out for a photo shoot, won’t be back until 7 PM._

 _No judging, no questioning. No one will know, everyone’s out (day off).  
_

“Yeah sure, ok.”

He so wanted to have said no but his body couldn’t take no more. He could feel both his legs starting to tremble badly again, his knees growing weaker as he had used up all of his remaining energy at trying to look somewhat composed. It needed what Adam’s trailer had: a very comfortable bed with dark shades at the windows and - most importantly right now - a large bathroom where he could puke ‘in peace’ plus it would give him the privacy he longed for being on the far end of the parking lot.

“We’ll take you with the Jag.” The Jag was a converted Golf Car used to move food and drinks around. Someone had slammed a Jaguar sticker on to it, thus giving it its name.

Tommy accepted willingly. They discretely helped him aboard being no longer capable of standing on his own. As he drove off to Adam’s trailer the security guard had radioed to his boss confirming his arriving on site. “No sir, he doesn’t look good at all” quickly describing the state he was in. “He looks really banged up…  Yes sir, I do recommend a nurse standing by…. Yes, we have a security cam looking directly at the trailer… Yes sir, will do sir.”

It was as if his entire body had a 6th sense. As soon as he entered the trailer and closed the door, he broke out in a cold sweat as he felt his stomach twist and twirl making him gag violently. He rushed to the bathroom as fast as he legs would comply only to find himself throwing up on the floor. The cramps came in waves and by the time he started throwing up again, he’d managed to crawl up to the toilet, lifting up the seat just in time.

At the same time at the Victor de Mello studio’s in London Centrum - as the shoot was about to begin - it had become obvious Adam wasn’t totally focused. Constantly checking and rechecking his I-phone it was crystal clear to anyone in the room that something was bothering him.  As the make-up and hairstylist had finished their work, he finally laid it down onto the table in front of him. He was about to leave the make-up room and getting ready to get to work when Victor came over to him. “Troubles?” he asked.

“I don’t know” Adam answered truthfully. “A dear friend of mine is going through a very tuff time and I’m waiting to hear from him. I spook to him briefly before coming here and I’m worried about him.” Adam admitted to Victor. He couldn’t nor was he trying to hide his state of mind.

“Tell you what, activate the silent mode and leave it with my assistant. Lucia will be within 10 ft. of us and I’ll have her interrupt the shoot as soon as he starts vibrating. That way you can answer directly when you have news of your friend.” Victor knew from experience he needed to find a way to reassure Adam in order for him to relax for this shoot. Heaving heard so much about how awesome Adam was to work with, about what a down to earth, open, kind and fun person he was. Always delivering, always connecting with the photographer, always uplifting the shoot as he added his own input and suggestions. Tensed people made crappy pictures and he had had been looking forward to this shoot for weeks.

Adam nodded back thankfully to Victor. As they start walking to the actual studio discussing how they would proceed, his phone went off, the caller id revealing it was the head of security.

“Yes?”

“Morning sir, I’m calling to confirm Mr. Ratliff’s arrival onto the site. He’s being transported to your trailer as we speak. Everything you asked for is in place.”

“Do you know what state he was in?” Adam’s voice gave away how worried he really was.

“Hung over and tired sir. A part from that, he’s fine.” _No point in telling him the truth about Mr. Ratliff’s miserable state_ he knew. Having almost 25 years of experience with all sorts of bands, some of the biggest ever, he knew they all had a remarkable ability at recovering from these kinds of near-death-hangovers having witnessed it so many times before. He had arranged for the nurse to be close by and ready to act should it be necessary, whole heartedly hoping it wouldn’t.


	4. Chapter 4

Adam stopped walking the moment he saw ‘GN SECURITY’ appear on the screen of his phone. “Tommy!”  Although the name barely escaped his lips Victor could hear a thousand and one emotions in Adam’s voice. He stepped up his pace toward his studio and in doing so leaving Adam in the hallway giving him some privacy.

A deep sigh of relieve escaped Adams lungs and mouth as he listens to what probably is one of the best phrases ever. _“Morning sir, I’m calling to confirm Mr. Ratliff’s arrival onto the site. He’s being transported to your trailer as we speak.”_ He felt relieved in knowing Tommy was safe _.  He may not be doing great but at least he’s safe, I can take care of him when I’m done shooting_.

Before going in to the studio he sends a text to Isaac ‘ _Tommy is safely at the parking lot, security confirmed he walked in.’_ Adam knew this would ease Isaac’s mind, they’ve been very close friends him and Tommy. Isaac would sure do the same if the situation had been reversed. Few moments after Adam pushed in the send button a text came back ‘ _Thx 4 letting me know! See you later buddy!’_

Victor looked up when he heard Adam entering the studio seeing him hand over his phone to Lucia. He liked what he was seeing; Adam’s body language was way more relaxed, his smile genuinely warm.  _Well he’s looking better. Most have gotten the news he longed to hear.  
_

The shoot went extremely well, the atmosphere was somewhere between playful, cheerful and totally over-the-edge-hilarious. Both Adam and Victor gave it their all, pushing, teasing and stimulating each other which had caused some occasional interruptions of the shoot as tears rolled down their face of laughter. When the last frames were about to be shot, a shower of glitter came falling down covering them both. Victor lay on his back onto the ground for these shots with Adam sort of like hanging or was it flowing above him getting ecstatic as he gave some last second instructions. _Damn, the boy has got talent! These pictures will be absolutely fab!_  “And it’s a wrap ladies and gentlemen! Awesome job everyone!” The people in the studio all applauded and knew without a doubt they had witnessed greatness at work. “Help Adam down people. Adam, get your ass over here I want to show you these last frames! They’re so out of this world, you will absolutely love them!”

Adam did indeed love the frames Victor had taken. When the last one came on to the screen he went totally wild. “Wow Victor, this one is my absolute favorite! Damn, I look like a Glitterdaddy!” he said without thinking. Adam bursts out into laughter at the thought of seeing Tommy’s face as he would shove this picture right under his nose. It showed Adam, complete with feathers and glitter and an insanely huge goofy smile, flying through a golden rain of glitter in a Superman pose. “Any possibility I can have a print of that one Victor? I have got to show this to Tommy!” _Come to Glitterdaddy Glitterbaby!_

Adam’s faced changed instantly as he heard his voice saying Tommy’s name. A feeling of guilt mixed with worrisome appeared in his eyes. _Tommy! Oh fuck, great thinking Lambert! Getting all excited about a damn goofy pic when my friend needs me._ Victor had noticed the change in Adam’s expression the second he had mentioned the name.

“Is he your troubled friend?” he asked quietly, not wanting to sound too nosy or pushy.

“Yes, he is.” Adam had no idea how much his voice was giving away as he spoke. “He’s a really good and true friend. He’s very important in my life and at this moment I have no idea what or who or why he’s in distress.”

“Can I give you a free piece of advice? No interfering intended.”

“Sure Victor, by all means.”

“I don’t know your friend Adam nor do I know you for that matter on a personal matter.  But I do know, from my own experience, that just being there for him, physically present I mean, even in silence, he will see and feel your support. A hug can do so much for a person, more than words at times.”

Adam totally understood what Victor was saying. Being a physical man himself, giving and receiving a hug was something that came naturally to him. Almost like a second nature. He enjoyed, no, he loved it. Holding someone – man or woman, friend or lover - in his arms and hug them and being hugged back was without a doubt a powerful moment that always warmed his heart. He wanted nothing more than to hold Tommy in his arms right now, comfort him and take away whatever was hurting his friend.

“I really should be getting back Victor. I don’t mean to be rude or ungrateful for your time. My friend however, I need to be …”

Victor placed his hand on Adam’s knee as to interrupt him. “Say no more, I understand you know. Tell you what, you go on and get changed, get that make-up off. I’ll go and print that pic for you in the meantime and drop you off myself at your friend’s place.”

“He... He’s actually already where he’s supposed to be.” Adam said “He’s in my trailer as we speak.”

“Well then, that’s settled. I’ll drop you off at Olympia Exhibition Hall and I’m not accepting no for an answer.”

Some 25 minutes later Adam had lost the make-up and clothes from the shoot and changed back into his tight black jeans and boots and his new black and red Jean-Paul Gauthier t-shirt. The only thing he’d kept was a large amount of glitter in his hair as it was held in place by the quantity of used styling products.  Glitter being glitter it had started to disperse onto his clothes and face.  He didn’t mind though, he’d gotten used to being _glitterised_ after shows.

“Here you go Adam, your very own copy of Glittery Super Adam.” Victor held up a printed and framed copy of the picture Adam wanted to give to Tommy. ‘ _Glittery Super Adam?’ I like that, Tommy will like that._ It made him smile, really liking the name Victor had given to the picture. _  
_

They got into Victor’s Audi A5 and traffic hour being what it is in London it took some long 45 minutes before they saw Olympia Exhibition Hall approaching. Adam hadn’t spoken a word after he’d gotten into the car. Victor could see he’d drifted off in his mind and for sure Adam’s mind had drifted off, straight of to Tommy. _That friend of his sure is a lucky bastard to have Adam even if he doesn’t see it right now. Adam genuinely cares a lot about his friend._ Victor respected the silence Adam had asked for even without saying one word. _  
_

Adam was replaying these last weeks in his head, trying to find that what could explain Tommy’s distress but came up empty. Preparing him mentally for what would no doubt be an exhausting and draining time remembering Tommy’s breakdown after he had lost his dad. What he didn’t know was that nothing, nothing could have prepared him for what was about to come.

“You can drop me off at the main entrance.” Victor made a turn to the left at the red lights, straight onto the road leading up to the main entrance. Adam snaps out of his thoughts as Victor shuts down the engine.

“Thank you for the ride Victor… And the shoot too of course, I look forward to seeing the end result.”

“Don’t mention it, the pleasure’s all mine. I’ll send you a copy of the magazine next month, that way you also have the interview that will go with the pictures. Now go and see to your friend.”

“I will and thanks again Victor for the great collaboration. I enjoyed working with you.”

“Likewise Adam. We’ll keep in touch for sure. Now get your booty out of my car.”  Both men exchange phone and e-mail and hug as they say their goodbyes and Adam walks up to the VIP entrance.

He’s recognized and greeted by the head of security with an extended hand. “Mr. Lambert, good afternoon sir. You’re back early.”

“Yeah, the shoot went really well. We’d finished earlier so here I am. And it’s Adam remember?” he says as they shake hand for the second time that day.

“True. I’ll start over then… Good afternoon _Adam_ I’m Jacob – Head of security. Let’s get inside, I’ll give you an update on your friend as we walk over to your trailer. I just need to pick something up in my office.”

Adam is starting to feel nervous, well maybe not nervous. Anxious would be a better way to describe this feeling. Part of him can’t wait to get to Tommy, the other part not looking forward to it, not knowing what he’s in for.

Jacob steps out of his office holding a big yellow envelope which he hands over to Adam. “TNT courier brought this over. It’s from the hotel Mr. Ratliff stayed in last night.”

Adam takes over the envelope and opens it, instantly recognizing what is inside as he looks at the leather cover. It’s Tommy’s notebook. Adam has seen Tommy with in on several occasions acting like an all-in-one diary, notebook, songwritingbook. Tommy’s hold on to it dearly. Having admitted to Adam it helps him calm down, vent his feelings. Smart and wicked as he is and can be, Tommy’s not always good with words, often struggling to overcome his shyness. Isaac and Adam are the only ones who know about this treasured notebook.

As he takes it out, a post-it is attached to the book.

 _“Dear Mr. Ratliff,_

 _My youngest daughter being a huge fan of you, I instantly recognized your name in the book. Housekeeping has found this under the bed. Your stay here will not be publicly knowledge as we value the privacy of our clients.  
_

 _Sincerely yours,_

 _Vicky Winehouse.”_


	5. Chapter 5

_He forgot his book? Tommy would never forget that, no matter how wasted he was. What could possibely make him forget his book?_ Adam knew it contained all of Tommy’s deepest thoughts and fears, his darkest secrets and it was something Tommy wanted to keep to himself. Whatever was inside this book was for Tommy’s eyes and his eyes only. _I need to send something to that woman, thank her for returning his book._ Making a mental to-do list.

Adam held on to it tightly, he would protect Tommy’s secrets with his life if needed be. As they started walking over to his trailer Jacob began his debriefing. “We’ve had a security cam pointed at your trailer since you left. Nothing weird or different about the reporters and fans standing outside, no one recognized Mr. Ratliff. I can guaranty you that Adam.” He couldn’t tell Adam that after having seen the footage from the security cam’s at the entrance, _‘Dead Man Walking’_ was the first thing that popped inside his head. It had amazed Jacob that he hadn’t dropped out unconscious on the ground. He had seen some fucked-up stars in his day and Tommy’s state had earned him a place in the top 3.

Believing honesty however was the best policy Jacob carried on. “We have the cleaning material you required discretely tucked away at your trailer. You might want to check out that delivery you received from Paris as you arrive at the trailer because you will definitely need it. I want to warn you Adam, when he arrived this morning he didn’t look good, not good at all. Prepare yourself for what you find in there.”

Adam’s heart had skipped a beat or two as he heard Jacob say Tommy didn’t looked good, that he had tp prepare himself.. “What!?!?? Jacob! Why didn't you tell me that this morning? I gave you clear instructions this morning! What the fuck were you thinking!” Fire raged in his eyes as he yelled out at Jacob almost to a point where he thought of punching him.

Jacob didn’t react badly to Adam’s outburst, remembering how worried he was this morning and clearly still is for his friend. Jacob stopped walking grabbing Adam firmly by the shoulders as he calmly continued his debriefing. “The reason I didn’t tell you on the phone is because there was nothing you could have done. He needed and still needs to sleep it off. You being here this morning would not have changed the physical state he was in. We’ve done an hourly check inside your trailer ever since he arrived and there’s a nurse on standby right across your trailer.” He waved to a woman and she raised her hand back to Jacob. “That’s the nurse right over there, she and her colleagues will remain there until you tell me otherwise.”

 _He’s right, he’s right. Being here or not wouldn’t have changed much if he was that wasted._ Adam felt Jacob had a lot of experience with this kind of shit. “ _He’s head of security, I’m sure he’s seen things even I never knew existed or were possible.”_ Adam was talking out loud to himself, as if he was trying to reassure himself.

“I have indeed seen a lot of things Adam. If at any point I would have judge it necessary to take action I would have done so immediately and called you. I’m responsible for people’s safety here. This, this is what _I_ do. You, you can sing your ass off. Me, I protect people. You need to know you can trust me at any time when it comes to your and your band’s security. “

Adam looks back at Jacob and pulls him close for a hug. “I do Jacob, I do know I can trust you regarding my safety and that of my band, my friends. I shouldn’t have shouted at you!“

Without hesitation Jacobs hugs back. “No sweat Adam, you’re acting like any good friend would. Text or call me if you need anything or walk to that camera over there. It’s still pointed solely on your trailer. Do you want me to confirm to the kitchen they can start prepping your order?” _  
_

“No, it’s ok Jacob, I’ll walk over there myself. Thanks.”

Adam walks the last feet to his trailer alone. Taking deep breathes, trying to relax, to clear his head. Looking at the ‘package from Paris’, he can’t help but wonder how many times Jacob and his men have used this ‘package’ to discretely smuggle something close to whatever star was staying here at the time. For now he was pleased it was safely tucked away in open air. Arriving at his trailer he immediately recognized it, even before opening the door, that unmistakable pungent acid stench of vomit.

 _Good luck Adam with your friend, you’re gonna need it._ Jacob goes over to nurse to have a light small talk conversation and to be close to Adam should he need him.

As Adam opens the door, unleashing what seems like a flood wave of vomit, he can’t help but take a step back. His breathe taken away by that burning smell. _Oh my God… Tommy… Tommy, please be ok._ He puts down the framed picture and Tommy’s book on the counter as he enters, Tommy is all he can think about and without thinking twice he walks over to his bedroom, preparing himself for the worst trying to overcome the sickening smell inside the trailer.

His heart breaks as he looks at his bed. There he is, lying face down on top of the covers, fully dressed in clothes that don’t seem to belong to Tommy. It is however the way his look, that breaks Adam heart. The way his face looks. His hair glued to his face as the vomit in his hair or on his face has dried up, gluing both together making it look like he’s missing an eye. He’s skin-color not being white but grey. Dark rings under his eye. His right cheek clearly bruised. Tommy’s face is tense, cramped as if he’s in pain. His eyelid move rapidly as he moans and one thing’s for sure, this wasn’t a moan of pleasure.  He wants to touch Tommy, get that hair out of his face but doesn’t move. _Let him sleep, he can sure a few extra hours of sleep._

 _Tommy… Oh my… This is not like that time with you dad, this is worse… Way worse._ Adam could see it, could feel it. There was something very wrong with his friend. Adam looks at the big spots of dried vomit all over the backside of his blue jeans and hands as well as on his sheets. He doesn’t mind, sheets can be washed and replaced it needed, same things goes for clothes. _  
_

He closes the door again heading over to his living room. Taking a quick look around he sees Tommy’s backpack on the couch in the far left corner, seems as it has been thrown there Adam thinks. The zipper not being properly closed, stuff fell out onto the floor. There’s paper all under the table. The aspirin bottle that Adam had placed in the middle of the table has been opened and the glass of water that was next to it, no longer filled but empty. Adam can’t find any vomit in here. Leaving only the bathroom as being the point of origin, the starting point of Adam’s twisted spring cleaning tour.

Taking out his phone, he sends a text to everyone “Team meeting’s cancelled, Tommy’s sick. I’ll stay with him tonight. Don’t expect me.” _My place is here. Whatever it is, I’m here for Tommy.  
_

 _“Text me if you need anything. Let me know if I can help.” Isaac’s answers to his text.  
_

 _“ I will drummerboy, I will.”_

Going back to his ‘package’, opening it and pulling out what he needs for his twister spring cleaning tour: 2 buckets, mops, scouring pads, bright yellow rubber gloves, a 5L bottle of Dettol, plastic bags, a universal all-purpose cleaner, air fresheners and surgical masks.

As the hot water runs in the buckets Adam puts on a surgical mask and rubber gloves, pouring a very large quantity of Dettol in one of them. He loves the smell of this clinical disinfectant cleaningproduct he had discovered this whilst having a pedicure back at the hotel and loved the smell of it. He grabs 2 scouring pads and mob as well as a couple of plastic bags to begin with lifting up the bucket and stepping into the bathroom.

 _Fuck … Where do I begin? Thank God I’m queer, having to clean up the vomit from my kids is something I will never have to do._ A baseball cap, the bathroom carpets, a brown leather jacket, a pair of Nike sneakers are all thrown in a bag and put into a second. Wiping most of it off with a mop, there’s no other alternative then getting down on his knees and scrubbing the floor tiles with a scouring pad.

 _Breathing, just keep breathing Lambert. Breathe through your mouth. Breathing, just keep breathing Lambert. Breathe through your mouth. Breathing, just keep breathing Lambert. Breathe through your mouth._ Adam’s brain switches to autopilot as his body was fighting off the effects of the burning acid smell on his stomach.

He has no idea how long he’s been sitting here, cleaning up a drunken man’s mess. What he does know is that he’s finished! The bathroom, toilet included, looks like she did this morning after he left, the smell is not yet what it’s supposed to be, but then again that’s why they’d have air fresheners. It’s not until he gets up from his knees that he realizes that he didn’t change clothes. His jeans and t-shirt are smelly and wet from the water and sweat and the dried vomit. _Damn, my new Jean-Paul Le Gauthier t-shirt!.. Oh well, it’s just a tee, never mind. I’ll make him buy me a new one._

He pours out the bucket into the toilet and flushes. Rinsing it with clean water and lots of Dettol and pouring it out in the toilet. After the 3th rinse Adam is convinced it is ok to take of the gloves, the mask and his clothes putting them in another plastic bag. _Now I need, I have deserved a shower! I can actually smell myself and that’s just so wrong, no one should ever be spooked about their own stank._


	6. Chapter 6

He almost forgot the bags with the evidence were still standing here next to the shower. He went to pick up his phone texting to Jacob ‘ _Can someone come and pick up the garbage bags I’m about to set outside. Hurry up, they smell bad.’_ Jacob got the message answering ‘ _Wait 5 min, I’ll send someone over to pick up the smelly mess_.’ Adam waited 5 minutes, opened the door and as by magic the cleaning crew passed by with their wagon. “Good evening Mr. Lambert, Jacob told us about the spilling accident. Are those the clothes that need to be cleaned? We will take care of that for you.”

Adam played along. “Yes they are, I put them into these since they’re pretty soaked. I couldn’t find anything else.” handing over the bags to the young man. “I’m sorry about the smell.” he said almost whispering.

“Rock’n’roll sir, don’t worry about it. Jacob asks if you need anything else.” he whispered back to Adam.

“No, not for the moment. Tell him thanks.”

It doesn’t take long for the bathroom to be filled with hot steam and a touch of cinnamon. The sensation of that warm water - just under that wow-to-hot-sensation - onto his shoulders is something that never fails. It relaxes Adam every time. He had asked for a rain showerhead as soon as they had arrived on site. _Being a star does have it advantages_ , _no one questions your requests_ Adam thought to himself.

He loved his cinnamon flavored body wash, he loved the smell of cinnamon, loved how it mixed with his own natural body odor. It smelled so fierce, so manly on him.

He felt way better as he stepped out of the shower wrapping a baby bathcape onto his head to dry his hair. Looking in the mirror after drying himself off, running his fingers through his towel dry hair so it looked more or less like it had been combed. _That will have to do for now, my hair is the least of my priority’s right now._ He felt fresh and clean and ready to take on the world and beat the crap of what or who  ever had put his friend is such a state.

Adam walked back to his little living room straight into the kitchen-corner to make him a cup of tea. As the water was heating up he walked over to the couch picking up Tommy’s backpack, setting it up straight and bended over to pick up his stuff that had hell out, laying it out on the table. _What’s with all this paper?_ Some sheets were torn, some ripped into pieces, some seemed whole. Adam couldn’t make head or tales of it, and for sure there was a lot of paper on the ground. Hearing the clicking sound of water boiler he got up from the couch. An Earl Grey teabag was chosen and placed in a cup, water was poured into it along with a few drops of honey. Taking out a spoon, he walked back to the couch.

While sipping at his tea he couldn’t help and stare at all these wrinkled papers and pieces of papers he had picked up from the ground. He had recognized the handwriting on some of them and curiosity took over.

 _Could it have something to do with Tommy? Could it explain the state he’s in? I shouldn’t be doing this, he would be so mad – not to mention disappointed – if he were to find out I have been running through his stuff behind his back._ After a long moment of staring at the pile of papers Adam made his move, having decided for himself that helping or understanding his friend was the greater good, and rules could be bent or broken for the greater good. He picked out up a random piece from the pile.

As he unwrinkled the paper, a handwritten text and Tommy’s handwriting became visible. Adam’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped open as he started reading it, he hadn’t even noticed the sheet of paper looked like torn out of a notebook.

 

 

       _First moment I saw you I knew you were special, captivated like under your spell.  
     How was I to know you would make my life a leaving hell.  
         Mesmerized, thunderstrucked, you leave me paralyzed._

 _Not intended, unexpected.  
Never pretended, nothing ever happened._

 _Why can’t you see, it is with you I need to be.  
Why do you go on and play when all I want is for you to stay.  
Why can’t I tell you what I feel, so you can help me heal._

 _Torn, trying to fight and hide, that what I no longer can keep inside.  
I want to tell the world how you make me feel.  
So I can have you near yet all I do is silence in fear._

 _Unintended, unexpected.  
No need to pretend, nothing will ever happen._

 _Why can’t you see, it is with you I need to be.  
Why do you go on and play when all I want is for you to stay.  
Why can’t I tell you what I feel, so you can help me heal._

 _Mesmerized.  
Terrified.  
Petrified.  
Hypnotized_

 _Ooooooh . ..  
No, no, no  
Noooo…_

 _Why can’t you see, it is with you I need to be.  
Why do you go on and play when all I want is for you to stay.  
Why can’t I tell you what I feel, so you can help me heal._

 _Why can’t you see, it is with you I need to be.  
Why do you go on and play when all I want is for you to stay.  
Why can’t I tell you what I feel, so you can help me heal._

 _Look at me, see right through me.  
Set me free, tell me, tell me you love me._

 _Tell me you love me.  
Love me._

 __

He can’t think, not yet and reads it again and again. It left Adam confused. He stares at the date in the upper right corner again – November 26 th.   _That was day before yesterday_. It’s not until this moment that it hits him, he realizes the page has been torn out of a book, out of a notebook.

He jumps off the couch, grabs Tommy’s notebook and yeah, there are a lot of pages missing. Each and every one torn out. _Tommy’s in love? I didn’t even know he was in love? How could I not have seen it? I can read him, I know when he’s struggling with something. Did he break up with someone?_   _What kind of a lame ass friend am I? I’m a worthless shitty excuse of a friend!_ Adam became mad with himself. _How could I have missed Tommy was struggling with something? Why didn’t he come to me? He knows we can talk about anything with each other. I would never laugh at him or judge him. Hell we talked about everything, without shame._ Adam’s head was filled with questions as he sinks back into the couch. He felt bad and guilty after having read this.

He wrinkles the paper back together, moves over to Tommy’s backpack, unzipping it further more so he can put all of these papers back in. His eye catches something as he does. An envelope, clearly written in Tommy’s handwriting – with Adam’s home address on it – closed, stamped and ready to be put in the mail.


	7. Chapter 7

Adam just sits there, looking down at the letter, overwhelmed by his thoughts. _A letter!? Addressed to me? What the hell is going on here? Why would he send me a letter? This is wrong, so fucking FUCKING wrong!_ He tries to think it through, tries to take a step back to see the bigger picture but fails. _Can’t tell him I saw this. I’m not supposed to know this_.   _Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!! I don’t like this, don’t like this at all._

The text alarm on his phone makes him almost jump right off the couch – it’s from Isaac : “ _Everything ok?”_

 _“Meet me at the food corner in 30 min”_

Adam looks at the clock on his phone – 08:57 PM – _No wonder I’m getting hungry._ Putting on a black leather jacket and stepping into a black pair of shoes. He’s about to leave when he turns around putting the envelope back in its place as well as the pile of paper closing the zipper of Tommy’s backpack when he’s finished. _Let’s try and pretend I never saw any of this._

The walk to the food corner seems to last forever. He can’t focus, his mind keeps drifting off to the love song or poem he had read. _Whoever she is, she must be damn amazing for Tommy to write that to or about her. I can’t remember he ever spoke like that about a girl… Married!? Maybe she’s married? Yeah, that would make sense…. That’s got to be it._ Deep down he knows it’s wishful thinking as he’s picturing this possibility in his mind.

A wave of shock rushes trough his veins as he comes to realize what he’s feeling this very moment. _Why I am feeling this? I’m fucking jealous! What’s wrong with me? Why am I jealous of him being in love with a girl?_ Adam gets mad at himself for feeling this. _Snap out of it Adam! For fuck sake, you sick bastard!_

Entering the food corner his mind comes back to the matter at hand. “Hi, did Jacob mention my order?”  The food corner here was amazing, open 24/7, you could get any kind of food at any given time of the day.

“Good evening Mr. Lambert. Yes, he did. I’ll ask the chef to prep everything. It will be ready in 10 minutes.”

“Thank you, I’ll be outside in the meantime.”  Adam had spotted Isaac, signaling him he would come to him. Isaac could feel there was a good reason for this. He was clearly occupied, very worried by something.It was written all over Adam’s face.

“How is he?”

“Don’t know, he’s still sleeping. He looks like shit Isaac, I never saw him like this…  I need to ask you something… About Tommy.”

“How come I already have a bad feeling about this? What do you wanna know?”

“Is Tommy seeing someone?”

“What?”

“Is he seeing someone? You know man, a girl as in girlfriend, a lover, someone he’s fucking on a regular basis? Is he seeing someone Isaac? Has he got the hots for one? A chick he speaks of more than before? ”

“No.” He was too surprised to say anything else. This was not the kind of question he was expecting.

“You sure? Think Isaac, it’s important.”

“No! No he’s not, I’m sure Adam! I would know if he was, he’s one of my best friends. I would know Adam. We would have goofed about it. Why do you ask that?”

Isaac didn’t have to think about it Adam notices and sighs deeply. _No Isaac, you wouldn’t know if he was seeing someone, hell I didn’t know._ “I can’t tell you, maybe it’s nothing and I’m seeing this the wrong way.”

 _“_ Don’t give me that bullshit Adam, you asked I meet you here.”

 _I’m sorry bud, I can’t tell you. I can’t betray Tommy’s confidence again._ He was about to answer Isaac as a girl from the food corner came looking for him.

“Your tray is ready sir.”

“I’ve got to go Isaac. Don’t wanna leave him alone for too long even if he is still sleeping. I’ll text ya when I know more.”

“Adam? Don’t forget he’s my friend too. If he’s in to some kind of trouble, I wanna know,  hell I need to know you hear. Cause I swear I’ll come down hard on you! Promise me Adam, promise me!!”

“I promise.”

Adam went inside, picking up his tray and headed back. It contained 2 large thermic jars, one with chicken soup the other one with strong coffee, fresh toast, scrambled eggs, a king size Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate ice pot.

Adam had just left the trailer for like 5 minutes when he started to come around, nature was calling hard. “Ow … Mmm … Fuck … Need to piss, badly… My head… Where am I?” Recognizing Adam’s trailer bedroom he climbed out of bed, dragging himself to the bathroom. Though he wasn’t drunk anymore from the booze, he was still very much drunk with sleep. As he relieved himself he didn’t notice that the bathroom was cleaned up or that he still had his clothes on for that matter. The only thing he was noticing was the pounding headache and that tensed, dried and itching feeling from his vomit-glued hair to his face. It wasn’t until he zipped up his pants he noticed he was wearing clothes.

As he was about to open de bathroom door he saw a message taped onto the door. “ _Look to your left, there’s aspirin and water. Take 3.”_

He walked or better said dragged himself into the living room when Adam walks in carrying his tray. Tommy froze as he saw the door open, hung over or not, his brain had just been switched on in full force and every major event from the night before literally flashes before his eyes. _Adam!?! … Oh fuck, I need to get out of here_. _I can’t stay here!_ It was as if Adam could hear his thoughts. “I’m not letting you leave like this Tommy. Sit down and eat something. I brought food with me and you don’t even need to speak to me. I won’t ask questions, I promise. Just 2 friends sharing a meal.” Adam spoke softly, knowing his hangover would be way beyond bad.

Without giving him any more attention Adam places the tray onto the table and closes the door behind him. He takes off his coat and boots, pulls out his phone and sends a text to both Isaac and Jacob. “He’s up, looking like hell but very much alive.”

He sets the table for them both, takes a seat and gestures at Tommy to join him. “Coffee or soup?”

“Soup”

He pours out a bowl and hands it over to Tommy who has joined him at the table. “Toast?”

“Yeah, please.”

They eat in total silence. Adam hasn’t looked at him once since he came in. It’s not like he doesn’t want to, he’s dying to say something, this silence is killing him. _Don’t push, I mustn’t push him._

Head down, almost buried in his food, Tommy feels the meds kicking in, headache’s slowly getting better. The fact that he’s ingesting food for the first time in 3 days is surely helping along. It was however not helping his emotional state, his nerves becoming on edge again. _One more bowl and then I’m out of here. I need to get away from here._

Seeing him getting up to refill his bowl Adam finds the time right to say something. “You might wanna consider taking a shower after you’re finished, I’ve got some clean clothes for ya here.”

“That bad?”

“Wasn’t gonna say anything. Plus you look like hell.”

Silence returns, as both of them are deepened in their thoughts. They stay seated like that for quite some time. Tommy never looked up once Adam noticed. Instead he keeps on looking down even more. If he could he would bury his face deep into the table.  Someone has got to give, make a move and Adam makes the first one. A simple gesture as taking Tommy’s empty soup bowl knock’s him of balance and his gaze meets Adam’s. Somehow it helps him find the strength to get up and rush over to the bathroom.

Breathing heavily, holding on to the sink, he catches his breath. He turns on the hot water, strips and as he does his i-pod fall out of his pocket _. Music. Yeah I could go for a bit of music_ and he lowers the volume to ‘2’ onto the docking station before plugging it in. Nirvana’s unplugged version of Poly kicks in, softly echoing through the air. It would barely be audible under the shower but he couldn’t care less. After having brushed his teeth twice he steps under the hot shower.

The water running over his head, his face, his body, he relaxes. It is literally washing away any trace from the previous night and in doing so the smell of his shampoo and body wash fills up the space. 20 or so minutes later he turns off the water, wrapping a towel around his waist as he’s stepping out.

As the first notes start to play an uncontrollable wave of emotions comes crushing down on him, grabbing him by throat almost nailing him to floor. Wanting yet finding it impossible to move or act. Surrendering to the song, closing his eyes as the words escape his mouth.

“ _I want somebody to share, share the rest of my life  
Share my innermost thoughts, know my intimate details”_

Adam recognizes the song instanlty being it one of Tommy’s favorite’s bands as he walks by into his bedroom _. ‘Let’s get these sheets out of here. I’ll just throw them out in a minute. No point in texting Jacob for this_.’

If this would have happened in another time or place he would have laughed. Tommy’s singing voice indeed sounds Iike a strangled cat.

 _“He will listen to me when I want to speak  
About the world we live in and life in general_

 _Though my views may be wrong, they may even be perverted  
He'll hear me out, and won't easily be converted_

 _To my way of thinking in fact he'll often disagree  
But at the end of it all he will understand me”_ _  
_

Adam’s looks up from the bed, stopping what he’s doing. _Damn, I’m getting senile. I could have sworn I just heard him change the lyrics.  
_

 _“I want somebody who cares for me passionately  
With every thought and with every breath  
Someone who'll help me see things in a different light  
All the things I detest I will almost like_

 _I don't want to be tied to anyone's strings  
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things  
But when I'm asleep I want somebody  
Who will put their arms around me, kiss me tenderly”  
_

Tears start to well up in Tommy’s eyes, eventually rolling down. Cursing at himself for being so weak he can’t hold it back no matter how hard he tries. The same cry, the same scream as the one in the hotel room bursts out as he falls onto his knees.


	8. Chapter 8

It cuts right through his flesh and bones, his heart breaking instantly. “Tommy!! Oh my God, Tommy!!” Adam nearly breaks down the door as he rushes over to Tommy’s side. Shocked, stupefied for a few seconds by what he sees.

He gets down on his knees, picking Tommy up from the floor holding his wet naked body in his arms as he pulls him closer. Hushing him like you would do to a terrified child, gently rubbing his back, telling him over and over that’s it’s gonna be alright, that he’s safe. _Oh Tommy baby, what could possibly put you in this state?_ Adam feels so hopeless, he has no idea what to do for his friend except to hold him close in his arms, protecting him from whatever monster Tommy’s facing at the moment. Tommy’s body shakes and trembles uncontrollably under his tears, his breathing is fast and erratic, being on the verge of almost going hysterical.  

 _I’m not letting you go Tommy, I’ve got you. Whatever it is, I’m not letting you go._ Tommy doesn’t have the strength to fight of Adam’s arms as he hugs him even tighter. Tommy’s tears, runny nose and saliva are soaking Adam’s t-shirt. Reaching for - and getting hold of -  a little guest towel, he gently pull’s back from Tommy’s face, lifting it up with right hand so he can wipe it clean. Tommy’s eye are bloodshot, there’s blood on his lower lip from biting in it.  Pushing his head gently back onto his chest, Adam is holding him tightly again in his arms. Finally, the breakdown comes to an end and Tommy who is completely exhausted starts to shiver in Adam’s arms – he’s cold.

“Tommy, you’re freezing. Let’s get you into some clothes. You think you can stand?”

Tommy just lifts his shoulders.

“That’s all right, I’m right here, I’ll help you get dressed.”

He gently puts Tommy down onto the carpet as he’s getting up. Cranking up the heating to maximum before he leans down to help Tommy onto his feet. “Here, sit here” guiding Tommy over to the barstool on which his clothes were resting. Adam is helping Tommy into his t-shirt and hoody. If he didn’t know any better, it was as if he was dressing up a doll.  “Here, you put on your undies” turning his head away as he hands over a boxer.

Tommy’s not moving, he just stares down at his feet. “Come here, give me that. Lift your left leg for me a bit.” This time he does move a bit and Adam gently slides the boxer over his foot onto his ankle. “Now do the same with your right leg.” and so he does. Adam’s gently pulls up the boxer over his legs. “I’m gonna lift you up Tommy, hold on to my shoulders.” Adam’s pulls him to his feet, swift and smoothly sliding the boxer onto Tommy's private parts. "You'll need to move your dick yourself Tommy if it's uncomfortable."

When Tommy is fully dressed, Adam lifts him up carrying him into the living room, laying him down onto the couch and grabs a blanket to cover Tommy who curls up into it.

Adam goes and sits right beside him, saying nothing, just rubbing his back gently though the cover. Tommy dozes of a bit and Adam lets him sleep. _What is it? What is it that’s haunting you like this? Talk to me, tell me_. He needs to find something to keep him busy, something to change his minds. Changing the bed and cleaning up the bathroom – again – seem to help.

It’s just after midnight when Tommy wakes up, feeling like shit after yet another breakdown. He shifts his head a bit and sees Adam, resting his hand on his back.

“Hi baby, you had me worried there for a bit.” Adam smiles at him. “Can I get you anything?”

“No” Tommy’s voice sounds hoarse as he crawls from under the blanket.

“You want to talk about it?”

“No.”

Adam moves closer, sitting on the floor almost right in front of his face. “I’m worried about you ok. Let me help you.”

“You can’t help me… No one can.”

Adam can’t make up what it is he’s seeing in Tommy’s eyes. There’s anger, a lot of it yet his body language shows defeat. “I’m here for you...  You do know that don’t you? We’re friends, whatever it is, whatever you need, whatever you want. I’m here for you. All you have to do is talk to me.”

Fire rages in his eyes as he cries out to Adam. “I can’t do this! I have got to go!” pushing Adam away as he gets up from the couch. “You’re not here for me. You never were! The only thing that matters is you!”

“Tommy?” Adam is holding Tommy by the shoulders. “Tommy, look at me. Look at me!”

“Don’t touch me! Let me go!” If looks could kill Adam would be no more at this point.

“No.”

“I mean it Adam! Leave me alone, don’t touch me!!”

“No!”

“You fucking asshole! Get your hands off of me!”

“Why?”  

“I can’t be in the same room with you anymore.”

“What?!?” He can’t really say it, it’s more muttered than spoken out loud.

“You disgust me!”

“… Bu … But .. But, why? What did I do?” Adam’s heartbeat and mind are racing like mad. _What is he talking about? What did I do? What the hell did I do?_

“You’re a whore Adam and I’ve had enough.”

Adam lets go – shocked, hurt, disbelieve – someone had just stabbed a knife through his already broken heart. Hearing Tommy saying - screaming – these words were unbearable but had also unleashed Adam’s temper.

“You ungrateful little fuck!” He shouted back. “I’m not here for you?!? Who the fuck held you when you cried yourself to sleep all these night when your dad died? ME! Who has been cleaning up the bathroom cause you puked all over the place?! Taking care of you without judging you? Yeah, that’s right .. The whore that’s not there for you! ME!”

Tommy lips moved as he wanted to scream back at Adam only to find himself pinned to the wall, being held down by Adam, his hand covering his mouth.

Looking straight into Tommy’s eyes Adam went on. “You can’t be in the same room with me? Fine! You think I’m a whore? Fine! Just for the record, flirting with a guy doesn’t mean I end up shoving my dick up his ass! And finally, you want out Ratliff? FINE! GET OUT! But first, you better give me a damn good reason! The real reason this time and you’re not getting out of here until you do! I don’t care if you cry, scream, throw stuff at me or hit me in the face. I want to know! I NEED to know and _I’M FUCKING ENTITLED TO KNOW_!”

Tears had started to dwell up in Adam’s eyes as he was unleashing his anger onto Tommy. Tears of anger, tears of rage, tears of self-control. He was fighting so hard with himself not to beat the living shit out of Tommy as he unleashed his temper. When he’d finished a tear ran down his left cheek, coming to an end at the corner of his mouth and then came another and another.

None of them moved, staying like this, looking into each other’s eyes.  


	9. Chapter 9

A few minutes had passed. Adam’s tears had dried up, both men still looking into each other’s eyes. Feeling how Adam’s grip on his mouth loosened up a bit he reached for Adam’s hand still covering his mouth. _“_ Adam…” Though there were no tears in his eyes, they were there though, in his voice. “…I can’t tell you.”

“Well that’s too bad than cause I’m not letting go. So you’d better start talking!”

“Please.” His hoarse voice cracked as he spoke, breaking contact with Adam as he started looking down to his feet.

“The hell you do Ratliff! Look at me!”

Tommy didn’t look up, on the contrary, he looked down even more.

“LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!” Adam’s temper is back. Tilting up Tommy’s head forcefully it slams against the wall. Seeing how his face tensed up it most have hurt. “Don’t even try looking down your bloody feet again!” Adam’s left hand went on grabbing Tommy’s crutch. “You have a pair of balls down here. I’m sure of it since I saw them hanging as I put clothes on you or did you forgot about that?! So man up, grow an extra pair for all I care. Just open your fucking mouth and START TALKING.”

His blue eyes weren’t blue anymore Tommy saw. Anger had changed them into a dark shade of grey. His cheeks flushed from the adrenaline rush that came with the anger. In all that time they had known each other Tommy had never seen him this mad. He had a temper, short fused at time, but never had his voice sounded this dark, this manly for lack of a better word, this threatening.  

“Adam… Please…” This time tears did start to roll down his face.

“Dude! YOU want out since YOU can’t be in the same room with me. Me being the biggest whore of the US. Hell I’ll even throw you out myself if you’re into that!!” Adam’s voice was cold and harsh, tightening his grip on Tommy.

“Adam… I can’t tell you… I can’t tell anybody about this.” Tommy’s golden brown eyes had turned into a pair of dull, lifeless, dead look.”  He’d started looking down at his feet - again. “Please don’t hate me…” He didn’t think he’d actually said that out loud, but he did as he started sobbing.

“W.. What?!?” Adam’s voice changed instantly. “Hate you? I could never hate you. You’re my friend for fuck sake. I care about you you dumbass! But know that I’m pissed, very pissed with you right now.” Suddenly realizing his hand was still on Tommy’s crutch he let go, still pinning him down against the wall and continued.

 “Tommy look at me.” Lifting and holding his head again as he spoke. “Look at me, look into my eyes. It’s me Tommy, it’s me Adam… The guy that’s been making out with you show after show, the guy you walked into as I got my dick blown, the guy who can vent to you about anything without risking of getting punched, the guy who dried your tears all those times and the one that cleaned up our vomit all over the bathroom floor, the guy that laughs at your dumbass jokes, the guy you confided in. You know me for crying out loud, there aren’t any boundaries between us! We’re friends Tommy, you are my friend. If you want out, hell well ok but I deserve to know why you want out… I’ll let you go if that’s what you want.”

Tears rolled down Adam’s face as he was convinced he was saying goodbye to his dear friend. “I’ll let you go Tommy, let you leave my life. Just answer me, why am l saying goodbye to you?”

“…. Cause you make my life a living hell…” he mumbled it so quietly Adam couldn’t make up the words.

“What? I didn’t hear you.”

“…. Cause you make my life a living hell…” The words still came mumbled out but his time loud enough for Adam to hear them.

Someone might as well have slapped him right across the face, letting his grip go of Tommy as he steps back. “I… I… Wha… What did I do wrong? Tommy?!? Answer me… Tommy! TOMMY!!!! Tell me, fucking talk to me!!”

Tommy looks away from Adam, staring down – _again_. Sliding down the wall until he’s sitting down on the ground, his knees pulled up to him. He has got now idea where he got the strength, the nerve, the courage from or was he about to commit virtual suicide? Whatever it was it pushed the right button, it pushed him over the edge. “Don’t look at me, don’t touch me, just shut the fuck up…. “

And so began an unstoppable avalanche of words, tears, sobs and deep hidden, buried emotions – not always clearly or logically pronounced as emotions took over – still enough to give Adam the answer as to the monster Tommy has been facing.

“I don’t know where to begin … This is your fault!! YOUR fault you hear… I blame you, so fucking much! I … I don’t know who I am anymore… Nothing makes sense anymore … This would never have happened if it wasn’t for you … I’m changing ... Dreaming… Wanting stuff I can never have… You freak me out! … Want nothing more than it to happen…  It freaks me out Adam... Love ... Friendship … I’m in love … Never, ever … This way I’m feeling ... Show after show I’m left alone … All these feelings … Emotions I never had before … I’m scared… I want to touch back … I’ve tried to … I … I don’t know how …  I’m just so ashamed … Aching for ... For something … Relieve … I want to … Don’t know… Don’t know how … Like a virgin … Never done anything like that… I’m such a loser … I … I want … I don’t … Don’t wanna … ” Taking a deep breath in, burying his face against his knees, the words however come out clearly. “I don’t wanna jerk off watching Youtube clips of us making out anymore!”

Adam’s mouth has dropped open, hearing Tommy’s words, realizing what he’s saying. What he is admitting. His mouth - metaphorically speaking - almost reaching the ground as it dropped open. Of all the things he had thought about haunting Tommy, _this_ was the very last thing ever to cross his mind. He’s to shocked, surprised, taken by surprise to move... Sliding down to wall behind him, he sat still - on the floor - right across Tommy. Watching as his friend broke down into a million pieces right in front of him as he pours out his heart.

 “Bu .. But … You pick up girls, after shows! I’ve seen you do it Tommy, just last week!”  He might have shouted saying it under different circumstances but the words barely escaped his lips. There was no anger in his voice. It was shock, his voiced sounded shocked.

“Shut up! ... Please shut up! … I know I do!! I … I … just can’t anymore … Don’t want …I … I… I can’t help it … You … Never felt my body do that … I’ve tried … Some many times … Girls … I’m straight for fuck sake!! You hear … I’m straight … But … But you … Can’t anymore … Tell them I’m too tired … Make out, cuddle … Hookers … Need fucking Viagra … Forcing myself, I’m straight you know… Up to a point I still can … All I want …I’m torn between who I was … Who I am … All I … Picturing this film in my mind as … On stage … Us on stage is all I have … Afraid to lose you … Friendship’s all I have … Tried to … Didn’t wanna lose that … You just don’t know … How my body reacts to you … As I … Fuck her … Losing myself in ... Losing myself …”

Tommy lift up his head, unable to believe what he’s doing right now, whipping off his face, his runny nose on the sleeve of his hoody. “Look at me, please …” Only to find Adam sitting in a similar position to his across the room – just a few feet away - eyes locked on to him. “You Adam … It is you I want!! I want you so much! … It hurts Adam… So much … I can’t breathe without you …  I … I’m … I’m in love with you… I’m so fucking in love with you it is killing me…. Can’t take no more … Can’t be near you anymore … Cause you’re killing me…”


	10. Chapter 10

“Bu … But why didn’t you tell me this? You and I talk about everything…”

“I … I’m … I’m not like you Adam.”

“Oh right, I’m a whore, how could I forget.” His voice trembled as he said it. Hurt, betrayed, pissed off.

 “No … No! … No”

Was it the look in Adam’s eyes who really looked like a thousand ton of bricks had just landed on top of his head or did he in a very lucent moment came to realize what he had just done, what he had just confessed, what he was saying this very instant to Adam. Whatever it was, it sucked the air right out of his lungs. Looking down his feet _again,_ his head buried almost inside his knees, the tears he didn’t thought he had left came back for another run down his cheeks.

His already shattered heart breaking again as he said his final words. “I’m not an Alpha Male … I’ not like you … I’m a coward … You said … Said you didn’t wanna … An experiment … You had it with curious straights … Fighting … Fighting these feelings … For so long … It hurts too much … Can’t take more pain … You … You’ll never … Us … You … You don’t see … Me … Us … Need to get out … Away … Away from you… I’m … I’m leaving the band … Need to … Get away from you …I fly out right after the gig in London…” And with these words Tommy broke down one more time. _There, it’s out … I’ve said it … Fuck Adam, I fucking love you so much…_

“ _I fly out right after the gig in London … “_ It was that one too many punch a human body can endure before being knocked out cold. Adam’s body was hurting, really physically hurting like he had just been hit by a freight train. Unable to breathe, unable to move, unable to react, unable to do anything.

There he was, lost for words, lost for thoughts, unable to think straight. Overwhelmed, overthrown and overpowered by the words, the emotions that had been tormenting Tommy all this time. It had taken his voice away, as hard as he tried there wasn’t a single sound that came out of his mouth.

He hadn’t looked the other way from the moment Tommy had started talking. Baffled, blown away, he had felt the earth slide from under him several times thus ending sitting on the floor so he wouldn’t have fallen over. Never in his wildest dreams or worst nightmares could he have guessed he was, would be or could be responsible to cause someone - someone he cared for so much – this much pain. 

Adam can’t stop thinking back to the text he had read earlier, a text Tommy had written himself and he clearly remembers a part of it:

 

 _Why can’t you see, it is with you I need to be.  
Why do you go on and play when all I want is for you to stay.  
Why can’t I tell you what I feel, so you can help me heal._

 

 _It wasn’t meant for some chick … It … It was meant for … For me! Tommy wrote that about me … Oh fuck! How come I never saw this? I have a goddamn 6 th, 7th and 8th sense for this kind of stuff …. How the hell did we came to this? Why did I listen to him? Why for fuck sake did I listen to him? None of this would have happened!!!! _

Adam doesn’t see the bloodshot almost dried-out eyes. He doesn’t see the runny nose or the tracks the tears left on his cheeks. He doesn’t see the remains of a miserable and crumbled person. No, what he sees is something else - something only he can and is seeing - he sees a beautiful man, probably the most beautiful man he has ever seen. _He looks beautiful, so fucking beautiful._ Lifting himself from where he has been sitting all this time, he gets on all fours and gently crawls over to Tommy carefully as to not invade his space. “Tommy? Is it ok if I sit here?”

He doesn’t move, doesn’t look up as he hears Adam voice near him, making him as small as humanly possible as he feels Adam sitting down next to him.

“Tommy? Look at me … Please…” Lifting up Tommy’s chin so he can look into his tears-drowned-eyes. Taking hold of Tommy’s left hand as he moves it over to his chest, holding it there with his own.

“Now it is my turn to talk, and to sort of use your own words; just shut the fuck up, please _do_ look at me and let me finish.” Taking in one deep breath as it is his turn to come clean with Tommy. “I’m sorry… I’m ... I’m so sorry… I’m so so sorry Tommy. Please believe me. I could kick my own ass right now if I could. I … I don’t even know where to begin neither… You remember after the AMA’s? We talked about what had happened on stage, more than once actually and albeit you never gave me shit about it or blamed me for anything you were very clear that _that_ was as far as the entertainment would go.  Making out on stage, nothing more and I respected that, I still do, cause you’re my friend and I love and respect you too much as such to not respect you.”

His cheeks started to blush as he went on. “As shows went on, we got closer, became closer friend and you know how we both like to cuddle. You filled a need just as much I filled yours and damn how I loved, how I love having you near me like that. We evolved, both off and on stage, took it a bit further and I thought you we’re just cool with that. Like you knew I wasn’t gonna go past your boundaries. I … I thought you had learn to trust me on that. God knows how hard that was at times on stage, I mean you’ve seen, you must have felt I was hard as a rock at times. Drunk by the feeling of being on stage, of being that close that you I may have stepped on a few lines at times. I never hide the fact that I thought you’re a hot bitch, that I’d never kick you out of my bed should you say yes. Hell I still wouldn’t.”

Closing his eyes for a moment, so he wouldn’t see the reaction in Tommy’s face as to what he was going to say. “Right before we came here, to Europe, I spent the evening at Monte’s and well I had a few too many … I ended saying some things to him about you, I came to realize some things. We spent the rest of the talking about it and …. And I ended putting our friendship first. I would have that; no one could take that from me. I would have you in the only way I could ever have you…”

The world had stopped spinning, time froze the moment Adam talked and Tommy’s brain had processed what they meant.

 “Adam? Wh …” He didn’t have time to finish his sentence.

Tears had welled up in his eyes, locking on to Tommy’s as he let the words out “Let me finish, please … I found some stuff of you on the ground when I was cleaning up after you and I’m… I’m so not sorry I picked out that particular piece of paper, that my desire to know what was wrong with you got the upper hand. I never thought it was meant for me…” Reciting Tommy a slightly modified version of that what had struck him in the first place.

 _Why didn’t I see, it is with you I needed to be.  
Why did I go on and play when all you wanted was for me to stay.  
Why didn’t I tell you what I feel, so I could help you heal._

 _  
_

Not waiting for Tommy to speak back, to answer, to react or respond in any way he had let go of his hand, holding his face between his hands so they were but a few millimeters away from each other.

“I have feelings for you, had them for quite some time … Deep feelings … I didn’t wanna risk our friendship over me crushing on a straight guy so I never spoke of them. I never told you.”


	11. Chapter 11

Being this close to Tommy’s face, a face he knew well, with lips he knew and had kissed so many times before nothing felt the same. Nothing looked the same, hell it was everything but the same, this wasn’t a stage act anymore. This, this was real; real life emotions between two very much real life people. Feeling Tommy’s warm breath on his lips, imprinting his mind with the smell of his skin, looking into his eyes, his very soul he couldn’t hold back and gently touched Tommy’s lips - for the very first time - for real this time. Knowing he was lost the moment he felt Tommy’s lips press back, as he felt Tommy turning and moving towards him, shy hands being rapped around him. Lips parted to let Tommy into his mouth. As their tongues brushed for the first time a warm glow took over his skin, softly moaning into Tommy’s mouth as an electrifying feeling rushed through every fiber in his body.

Tommy broke their kiss, clearly torn between wanting and not knowing and being afraid of getting hurt. “Adam … I … I don’t …. I’m scared, I’m not …. ”

Feeling strong arms lift him up, being pulled into his lap he rested his head onto Adam chest. Adam was hugging him, like he, like they had done so many other times before and it never failed to make him feel better, warm, protected. Hearing Adam’s voice whispering “I love you baby… Oh God, I love you so much” over and over again in his ear was a new sensation. One that felt heavenly. It felt like love, it now made him feel loved; he was loved, loved by Adam. Neither one spoke, both letting their bodies, their tears speak for them.

“Me too baby… Hell I’m scared shitless here. I know, I remember telling everyone I didn’t wanna be another experiment for straight dudes anymore and I don’t…  But… I can’t hide it, I can’t lie to myself anymore Tommy or to you. I want to be with you, I want no I need to be around you! I’ve been telling myself for so long it would, could never happen and yet here we are. I want us to work baby and I may very well be the Alpha Male here, I want you to lead this dance… No rushing, no pushing, no fucking you tonight or tomorrow or the next day until you’re ready, just _us_ taking baby steps _together_. I need for you to understand that when you tell me to stop, I will, even if my balls are killing me.”

“But…”

“No buts, that’s the way it’s gonna go. Baby I’ve witnessed you fall apart because of me! I’m the one that put you in this state in the first place! Me for fuck sake! I’ll be damned if I’m gonna screw this up. By a chance not shorter of a miracle we now know of each other’s feelings and I … I won’t lose you, I can’t lose you Tommy … I’d kill me if I were to lose you now… So slow is the way to go.”

“I can’t ask that from you Adam. You’re a physical person, you like to touch, be touched, I know how much you love sex, hell you’re a breathing sex god for fuck sake…” Tommy’s cheeks turn red as he looked into Adam’s eyes.

“So are you! You do know that as a human being I’m equipped, born with 2 hands right? I don’t mind flying solo for a while; my buddy and I get along great together. Hell we’ve played many times together over the years and this way we’ll be giving you the time you need.” A cheesy grin and horny sparkling eyes appeared on his face as he held out his hands in front of Tommy.

“Oh fuck, I feel so stupid, so ….”

“You’re not stupid babe. Don’t say that. You honestly think I was this confident when I came out? When I started to become aware of my sexuality? There so many ways we can get physical with each other without fucking; we can hug, cuddle, snuggle, kiss, and make out for hours and hours. As long I’m with you or have you near I’m game for anything. I’m giving you all the time you need cause I want, hell I need to treat you right. There is just one thing that you need to do, for real, and that is talk to Isaac. The poor guy is worried sick about ya, he made me promise I would tell him what’s wrong with you. However this is not my place, he has to hear it from you.”

“I don’t … I don’t know what to say … Thank you baby … I will, I’ll talk to Isaac."

All this time, they haven’t left each other’s arms. Feeling each other’s breath as they spoke, eyes locked in to each other’s gaze.

“From now on, no more hiding, no more not telling, whatever is on our mind, good or bad, embarrassing or not, hurtful or not we talk to each other about it. Deal Glitterbaby?”

“Deal Babyboy.”

 “Now come to bed with me, it’s past 3 AM and I’m starting to feel really tired right now, emotions kinda suck that way don’t they? I wanna fall asleep with you in my arms, protect you from evil monsters.”

“I … I would like that …. Can I … Can I keep my tee and undies?” He felt so guilty about asking this to Adam, so ashamed of himself, he couldn’t do anything else but looking down.

“Of course you can! You don’t need to ask me that. I’ll keep mine on too if it makes you feel better.” Adam hoped his voice didn’t reveille his deception; he wanted to touch Tommy’s body so bad, fuck every possible doubt right out of him. However Adam knew some things can’t be rushed and being intimate like that with Tommy was one of those things.

“But, but you sleep naked …”

“And I will again baby … Chill out will ya. Tonight I’m sleeping with my tee and boxer on, same way you are.”

It wasn’t until they had reached Adam’s bedroom it had hit him. _Fuck! I’m commando here!!_ Seeing Tommy sit on the bed as he takes of his jeans, he realizes he’s not wearing undies. _This is neither the time nor the place for this, gotta take care of this really fast!_

“Don’t go anywhere babe, I’ll be right back, nature’s calling.” Grabbing a black and grey boxer as he heads out to the bathroom. Closing the door, he quickly finds himself looking into the mirror with nothing more than a t-shirt and a boxer halfway up his thighs. Looking down to his already semi hard infamous dick - ‘His Royal Highness King Glambulge, the First’ - holding him in his hand, ready to have a chat with his bud – man to man. “Ok pall, now listen, this is important! I don’t wanna fuck this up. No matter what I do, feel or think please, please don’t get hard. Stay down, I’ll promise to introduce you two properly when the timing’s right and to make it up to you tomorrow when we shower.” _Twice, gonna play twice in that shower tomorrow._ Adam takes a few deep breaths, trying to think of anything but Tommy who is waiting is his bed before flushing the toilet.

Tommy is already in bed, hidden away under the covers.  “You need anything else babe before I join you?”

“No. I’m good, a bit cold actually.”

“Let me under the covers and come here babe, crawl over to me.”

Tommy instinctively moves, slides, crawls into Adam’s arms resting his head half on Adam’s pillow, half on his shoulder taking in Adam’s scent, kissing his neck, his cheek. Feeling Adam’s long, warm body so close to his is breathtaking. _I’m home, it feels like coming home._ It doesn’t take long before both are starting to doze off. Tommy moves over - turning onto his favorite sleeping position – his right side curling up to Adam who has moved so Tommy can spoon in his lap. Left arm tightly wrapped around Tommy’s chest, holding him as close as possible. As he kisses the back of Tommy’s neck, he can feel Tommy’s hands fold around his forearm.

“Adam?”

“Yeah baby…”

“Will you be here when I wake up?”

“You betcha! There’s nowhere else I want or need to be!  Now go to sleep baby, I’m right here… We can talk more tomorrow.”

Humming into Tommy’s ear it doesn’t take long before his bodyweight changes, breathing deeply as he drifts off to sleep.

“Sweet dreams baby. I love you, so fucking much!”


	12. Chapter 12

A tickling sensation to his nose woke him up. Moving his head, he felt more things tickling against his face. Opening his eyes he saw this blond-wildly-exploded-hair-mass just under his face. Lying on his back he could feel legs were intertwined with his own, fingers intertwined between his left hand fingers. Tommy’s body lay half on top of him, half on his own side. Breathing so calmly and deeply almost silently onto Adam’s shoulder an ear to ear smile appeared on his lips as he brushed Tommy’s hair out of the way. He might not have got laid last night; waking up next to man he loved more than life itself made it all worthwhile. _This, this is what I’ve been waiting for all my life!_

He gently moved from under Tommy so he could turn onto his right side, supporting himself on his elbow. Looking down at Tommy was like looking up to an angel. Sunlight bathes his face, his blond bangs, his pale skin, his two day old beard. How could he not touch him?

Leaning down a bit to brush his nose, his lips along Tommy’s face; that scent coming from his skin was electrifying.   _Oh baby you smell so good, so fucking hot._ That mixture of sleepy-sweaty-salt on Tommy’s skin drove Adam nuts, almost getting high on Tommy’s smell.

Gently – lips barely touching - kissing Tommy’s face, his shoulder, the top of his ear. Running his left hand along his back trying to feel Tommy’s curves, his muscles, his skin through the thin fabric. A silent buzzing coming from his jeans spooked the hell out of him.

‘ _What the … Oh yeah, my phone… Awesome timing!’_ Adam cursed in his mind moving to the side of the bed, stretching as much as he could, getting hold of his jeans and there for his I-phone.

He had some new texts: 2 from Isaac, 1 from Jacob, 1 from Victor and 1 from Monte.

‘ _I can’t keep telling people Tommy’s sick, folks here want to see him._ ’ – ‘ _Talk to me Lambert, I wanna know how my bud is doing!’_

 _‘Morning Adam, I’m guessing he’s still alive looking less like hell. Text me if you need anything – Jacob.’_

 _‘Adam sweetie, your pics are FAB beyond words!! Just wanted to let you know. Hope all is well with your friend. Take care, V’_

 _‘As ur musical director I need to know if we need to find a replacement for Tommy tonight, nothing personal.’_

Looking down to the man who was still fast asleep next to him he answered everyone.

 _‘Hey drummerboy, he is still sleeping at the moment. He talked, he cried, he broke down last night. I got through to him, can’t tell you what it is though, you have to hear it from him. Go easy on him.’_

‘ _Morning Jacob,_ _he does indeed look less like hell._ _Can someone bring breakfast over?  Something light, no bacon and eggs and coffee and tea please. Thx!!!’_

 _‘Cannot wait to see them! I know it’s short notice, can you make it to the venue tonight, like be here at 7PM? Bring a camera with you.’_ It was an impulse, a gut feeling that made him ask Victor over. _Victor takes awesome pics, what if he could capture some of our chemistry both on- and off stage on camera? Mainly off stage though, don’t wanna freak my baby out._

 _‘No need for a replacement. He’ll be fine tonight!’_

The replies he’d hoped for came quickly.

‘ _Whenever he wants to talk I’m here, you tell him that.’_

 _‘Breakfast will be brought up in 20 or so minutes.’_

 _‘I can rearrange my schedule. I’ll be there with my camera, call you around 15:00 for details.’_

 _‘OK’_

Putting down his phone, looking again at this breathtaking blond curled up in his bed Adam’s priorities came back. _Now, where was I?_

Crawling back over to where he had been lying 5 minutes ago, going back to what he had been doing just a few minutes ago. Tommy’s sleepy-sweaty-salt sent was even better than he remembered, even after being gone for such a short time. He moved in his sleep, rolling over on his back, sliding his left leg under his right, left arm under his head, his right arm next to his body.

 _Oh baby … You are so, so beautiful! If only I could show you, let you see through my eyes just how fucking beautiful you are._

Although he has seen Tommy’s tattoos on many occasions they somehow seem different; seeing, finding details he had never seen before. Tracing them with his fingernails, coloring them with the top of his fingers. His hand feeling, following every curve, every inch of Tommy’s skin.  He can’t resist kissing, licking the arm closest to him.

Tommy moans softly in his sleep, moving his head a bit and in doing so unwillingly exposing his neck to Adam. Naturally this newly exposed skin needs and gets his attention, that sleepy-sweaty-salt sent so unmistakably present at the base of his hair. It messes with Adam’s body chemistry big time, making His Royal Highness stand up in no time. _Down bud, please get down! Need to respect Tommy’s need for time … Fuck, breathe Adam, keep breathing!_

Desperate to find a way to cool down this fire, this lust, this all-consuming passion inside him he broke away from Tommy, not much, yet enough for him to not feel the warmth of his body. Unable to break full contact, he strangled his fingers between Tommy’s right hand fingers as he began to take deep slow breaths, trying to clear his mind.

Was it the sound of Adam’s deep breaths or the warmth of the sun on his face or simply the fact that having slept nearly 9 hours was enough for him to wake up that made him open his eyes. Feeling fingers, strong fingers, between his own he squeezed them gently.

“Hi baby.” Adam turned his head as soon as he had felt Tommy’s squeezing his fingers, his voice sounding all husky and raw.

“Hi yourself.”

“Hi Sunshine.”

“Hi Honeybun.”

Tommy had let go of Adam’s hand only to move closer, leaning his entire body against him, kissing his lips. Feeling how Adam’s lips opened up to his kiss before suddenly breaking it, Adam pulled him down onto his chest. Being held tight into his hug, resting his head on his chest he could feel and hear Adam’s racing heartbeat. He could hear and feel the deep breaths.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“You did something alright…” Feeling Tommy’s body cramp up as he had said spoken. “No! Oh no babe, you didn’t do anything wrong! Honestly, I’ll tell ya, if you promise not to mock me.”

“I promise, no more hiding remember?!”

“No more hiding! Come here, I wanna look at you as I tell you.”

Tommy moved up along his body, intertwining his legs between Adam’s. Looking up to Adam as he was looking down on him. “Tell me baby, what is it?”

Adam’s cheeks had flushed a bit. “I have been looking at you as you slept, gently playing with the skin on your arms. Kissing, licking your skin and damn you smell incredibly hot babe! You have no idea how I love your out-of-bed-smell … You moved your head in your sleep and I went over to your neck. The plan was to wake you up with kisses cause I’ve arranged for breakfast being brought up here. Well, the plan kinda backfired, I... That morning smell of yours does things to me, it really does, like big time things … Look …. “ Lifting up the covers , there was no way he could have hide it.

“Ooooh.”

“Yeah, you can say that again. That’s why I broke off our kiss; I’m horny as hell Tommy thanks to that all sweaty and sleepy smell of yours! I don’t think something has ever turned me on like that. I’m so hard right now and truth be told I just don’t trust myself this very moment. It is taking all of my strength not to pin you down and fuck you senseless and God only knows just how bad I wanna kiss you right now… I’m sorry babe for letting you down already … I promised, told myself and you I could stop if you’d ask me to even with my balls aching and here I am unable to kiss you back cause I’m burning up with desire.”  He didn’t know which way to turn, feeling uncomfortable almost ashamed of himself.

“Adam … Honeybun” Tommy  moved, shifted over to his left side before finding and guiding Adam’s right hand up to his hardness.

“Sunshine? What are you doing?”

“Telling you it is ok.”

“What?”

“Play … Release yourself, touch yourself.”

“Wha …  What?!? No!  Baby you don’t have to give in to me you know. I can handle us taking baby steps.”

“Adam, let me be the judge on which baby steps I can and cannot handle. I wouldn’t have said anything otherwise. I want to listen as you lose yourself when you come.”

Staring into Tommy’s eyes he could feel his face turn red, his cheeks felt so warm as he felt his hand on him, pulling up his t-shirt, clumsily starting pulling down his boxer along his hips as to encourage him. Adam got the message, taking over, pulling further down his undies giving His Royal Highness the room to display his majestic grace. Tommy wasn’t looking down, he hadn’t blinked once, he didn’t look at his erection. He looked straight into his blue eyes.

Taking his bud is his hand made him shiver, locking his left arm even tighter around Tommy. “Kiss me baby, please … Let me take in that smell of yours.”

Wetting his lips, leaning into Adam, playfully licking his lips he couldn’t help but smile when he felt his tongue lick back. Adam’s moans were unlike any sound he ever made or heard. Deep, wild, unbelievably manly, filled with a primal hunger.

Adam’s breath had become erratic the moment he had taken his hardness in his hand, breathing heavily, moaning, and panting into Tommy’s mouth. His senses on edge, everything from and about Tommy was driving his wild.

“Babe …. Tommy … Mmmmmm … Baby…” He was more than vocal, trying to out, to express his hunger for Tommy other than him flying solo. His hips had matched the movement of his hand as soon as he had made his first stroke. Seeing, knowing, feeling Tommy this close to him was indescribable.

Realizing he was going to have his first orgasm with Tommy, albeit not together, was still so powerful, so meaningful, so out of this world he needed to see if this was real. If this wasn’t some fucked up dream.

“Baby, look at me… I… I’m …. Oooooooooh … Tommy …. Need…” 

No words were needed, both of them lost in the feeling displayed in each other’s eyes, in each other’s soul.

“Come … Come for me … Don’t hold back.” Having placed his hand back on Adam’s tummy he had felt his muscles move, contract as the tension in his body was building up. He had felt the heat breaking through his skin and damn it was really hot.

“Oh God Sunshine … Tommy!! …” He came hard, thrusting into his hand, throwing back his head, stretching his body as far as he could, screaming out Tommy’s name as he lost himself in his orgasm.

Blown away, simply blown away by what had happened, by what he had just witnessed. The look, the expressions on Adam’s face, the way his body moved as his orgasm hit, the way he surrendered himself to his pleasure was… Well he doesn’t know of any word even close to describe this.

“Honneybon, that … That was incredible! I mean… “

Trying to catch his breath he turned to face Tommy again. “You made me come in record time! You’re turning me into a teenager again. Next I’m gonna be shooting my load in my undies and I wouldn’t care less about it.”

Not caring about his cum-covered-skin he pulled up his undies, pulled down his shirt before rolling Tommy on his body. “Have I told you how much I love you Sunshine?”

“Not recently no.” The sparkling in his eyes saying something totally different.


	13. Chapter 13

“I love you baby … I love you baby … I love you baby…” What started as a soft whisper became a confession, a statement as he kissed Tommy’s lips between words.  “I love you Sunshine, with every fiber, every cell in my body … I … Outing my feelings for you … Having now what I thought I’d never have … It’s … It’s like I’m bathing in a ray of sunlight … I’m bathing in you… I’ve never dreamed I could be so in love with someone… “

“Adam …” His voice broke as he was trying the hold back the tears, fighting a battle he couldn’t win.  “I … I don’t know what to say … I … I’m so afraid…“ Tears rolled down his face, torn between crawling into Adam’s arms for support and running away, away from the shame, from these new feelings hidden inside him.

“I know … Don’t be afraid baby, don’t … “

A hard knock on the door interrupted them followed by a voice he’d recognized at once. “Adam? Adam?! Adam? It’s Jacob. I’ve brought over your breakfast. Where do you want it?”

“Wha .. What? Oh euh .. Table please.”

“Gotcha. Need anything else?”

“Euh... No, no… I’m good.”  

“Alright, you know where to find me.” Jacob closed the door on his way out.

Tommy had managed to escape from Adam’s arms, ashamed for his tears, his weakness, for fucking up a great moment he had had with Adam. He hadn’t heard what Adam had said to Jacob or the door closing on his way out.

It wasn’t until he heard a familiar sound his mind drifted back to reality. Feeling Adam’s strong arms around him, pulling him close, softly singing in his ear …

_“Have you lost your way?  
Livin' in the shadow of the messes that you made,  
And it's all because,  
Everything inside your circle starts to overflow.  
  
Take a step before you leap,  
Into the colors that you seek,  
You'll get back what you give away,  
So don't look back on yesterday!”_

Adam’s fingers laced between Tommy’s, tightly … Never to let go the man he loved more than life itself.

Feeling Adam this close, hearing him sing so softly in his ear calmed Tommy down. It wasn’t until he felt his fingers between his that the words, lyrics he has heard so many times before, opened his eyes about what they actually meant.

“Don’t be afraid … Not around me … It is ok for you to have feelings, doubt, insecurities … It is ok if you would suddenly do a 180 on me when we make out… Take your time baby, I’m right here…”

“What if I fuck up? If we fuck up? Our friendship …”

“Tommy … I’m still talking to most of my ex-boyfriends and if, hypothetically speaking, it shouldn’t work out between us….Well, we’ll cross that bridge, should it ever come down to that, together. I want this … You … Us … I want us and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to fight for you, for us … We are going to take every possible baby step there is to take… You and I are still friends babe, so you and I are going talk about everything, no taboo’s…”

Pulling him close for a hug, Adam was more than glad he felt Tommy hugging him back. He moved himself right into his lap resting his head against his chest. A feeling Adam has always loved, there was something so natural to this, to holding him so close to his heart.

They stayed like this for a minute or was it 5 minutes, none of them knew.

“Thank you… For being in my life, for being you.”  Leaning in to kiss Adam’s lips as he cupped his face.

“Always…” He might have murmured it into Tommy’s mouth, lost between kisses. He knew Tommy had got it. The kiss that followed gave it away. They broke off the kiss, looking into each other’s eyes. “Now come on Sunshine, you and I are going to have breakfast together.”

Breakfast was good, better than good. Jacob had brought a lot of food with him. There was chocolate, brownies, fresh fruit salad and Tommy went nuts when he saw a taco hidden between all of this. They were both hungry and ate mostly in silence enjoying each other’s company. When Tommy had finished, he rested his face onto his hands looking over at Adam.  With the most casual of voices he popped a question:

“So Adam, what’s with the Sunshine nickname you’ve seem to have given me?”

Surprised as he was, in a good way, he played along, returning the question.  “So Tommy, what’s with the Honeybun nickname you’ve seem to have given me?”

 “I asked you first!” Faking a pout, crossing his arms like a little kid that’s been deprived of his candy.

How could he not have laughed at Tommy’s cheesy face? “I’ll tell you baby … This morning, when I watched you sleep you looked so beautiful, so peaceful with that sunlight on your face. It warmed my heart sweetie, in a way I can’t describe. It made me realize you, you made make me feel al warm. You are my ray of light, you’re my Sunshine.”

“I like that! I like being your Sunshine!”

“Your turn now, what’s with the Honeybun?”

“Mine isn’t so emo you know, honey cause well you are an awesome, amazing, loving and sweet man and you do have a thing with honey and the bun, well you have been humping for weeks on stage like a goddamn rabbit. So honey plus bun equals Honeybun.”

“I like that too! I like it, being you Honeybun! And you what I like most about it?”

“What?”

“They’re ours! Our nicknames for each other, no fucking fan knows about it. This is about you and me, about us.”

Tommy looked at Adam’s face. It was filled with joy, happiness, sparkling eyes and that down-to-earth-Adam-smile only people close to him knew. “Fuck yeah!”

“Who’s gonna shower first? You or me Sunshine?” He so wanted to have asked him to take a shower together, to dry him off as he got out of the shower. _Baby step, baby steps, we need to take babysteps._

“You mind if I go first?” Tommy couldn’t and wasn’t trying to hide he was relieved by Adam’s proposition.

“Not at all baby! Take your time. I’ll be here when you come out, I’ll dry you hair if you want.”

“I’d like that! Behave when I’m gone.” Blowing a kiss to Adam as he headed over to the bathroom.

Adam took the opportunity to call Victor, to discuss what he had in mind. Victor was all into it, reassuring Adam the pics would be perfect.

Some 40 minutes later, both had showered and gotten dressed smelling peachy clean and fresh. Adam’s hair is still a bit damp when he joins Tommy back into the small living room sitting on the couch, obviously thinking about something.  He comes over for a hug when he spots him.

“Adam? Will you stay with me when I talk to Isaac? Please?” His eyes practically begged as he looked at Adam.

“Sure thing baby, whatever you need, whatever you want remember.”

Tommy took out his phone and sends a text to Isaac. ‘ _Hey bud, it’s me. Yeah I’m still alive, need to talk to you. I’m at Adam’s trailer. Don’t tell the others.’_

_‘Give me 10 minutes, I’m having lunch with the others. I’ll make up an excuse.”_

Closing his phone Isaac said the first thing that came to mind, the only thing they would accept instantly. “Gotta go guys, Sophie has some free time and is waiting for me on Skype, can’t let my girl hanging like that. Oh and give me some privacy will ya!”

They all laughed, already teasing him about having webcam-sex with his wife. Isaac knew he would have to hear it for weeks if not months but then again, everything for his bud.

He walked over to the trailer and before he could knock on the door Adam had opened it.  Saying the atmosphere was awkward as the door shut is the biggest understatement of the whole damn century. Tommy sat on the couch where he sat and slept part of the night before, looking down at his feet _again._ Isaac looked over to Adam who had waved at him to take a seat.

Adam took place next to Tommy to give him support, let him know he was at his side yet not to close as to suffocate him or make him feel uneasy. None of them said anything until Isaac walked over to Tommy, resting one hand on his shoulders before he spoke.

“Tommy, bud … Look I’m not gonna sit here and even pretend to know or try to understand what is wrong with you since I have no clue as to what it is right now. I went to Adam for help and he helped, didn’t need to think twice about it. Proof is, you’re sitting here and based on the texts and brief talks him and I had since you went M.I.A, he must have gotten through to you. He texted that whatever it is or was, it needed to come from you, that it wasn’t his place to say.  You know, someone once gave us, all of us, the following lecture ‘ _We’re family guys, you’re my family, we look out for each other, so from now on this rule applies to us all, no buts_ ’ If memory serves me right that someone was you.  So right back at ya Tommy. You, you are my family! You are my friend! My buddy! Yesterday, today and fucking tomorrow, know that I’m here for you, whatever it is… Know that!”

“I … I … Adam … Adam and …”

“Bud, I can wait you know, if you’re not ready to talk about it.”

“No! No … I … I wanna tell ya … I’m  … I’m in love with Adam! I have been for a long time and I … I …”

“Shhhhtt, just shhhht. Shut up!” Isaac had moved at the words ‘in love with Adam’, placing both hands firmly on Tommy’s shoulders. Tommy froze under his touch, he felt so scared and confused that he grabbed Adam’s hand for support, lacing his fingers between Adam’s. “Bud, I have but one question or better said make that 2 questions.”

Having already noticed their laced fingers, he turns over to Adam. “The first one being for you. Do you love him? The way he does you?”

“I do drummerboy, very much so!”  He looked right into Isaac’s eyes, he would make Isaac see his feelings, his intentions fort and with Tommy were real.

“And secondly, Tommy, are you happy with loving Adam, with him loving you back?”

“I am … “

“That’s all I fucking need to know! Come here you idiot!” Grabbing Tommy with both hands, pulling him close for an infamous everlasting Carliff-hug. “What the hell were you thinking by not telling us?? Think we were gonna judge ya? Hell babe, we’ve got classy-queer, sissy-fags, drags, lesbo’s, straight, black and whites all into one family. We’d be the last to judge anything!”

“I … I know… I ... I just….”

“Never mind that, I’m happy for ya bud, for both of you!! God I was so worried about ya!” Turning his head back to Adam Isaac continued “Oh and Adam, just so you know,  you break my boy’s heart, so help me God I’m making you eat your dick, you hear!?!”

“I have no intention of breaking his heart Isaac. We’re taking baby steps together in order for us to work.”

“Just don’t come to me for the boyfriend-advice-kinda-thing, go to Sutan  or whoever else you want if you need advice on cock sucking tricks. I kinda suck in that domain.” Laughing out loud as he saw the look on both their faces, it quickly changed as both Adam and Tommy teamed up for a huge pillow fight. Isaac went down at the speed of light leaving Tommy and Adam to hug and kiss on their victory.

The sound of Adam’s ringtone went through the air as his phone went off, recognizing the caller –id as he opened his phone. “Jacob! What can I do for you?”

“Your guest Victor de Mello has arrived. He says he’s early.”

“Ah awesome! I’m on my way! I’ve got to go now kids, mommy has got to go to work. Now, come and kiss mommy goodbye en behave while I’m gone. No TV and no candy.”

Tommy came over to hug Adam. ” I don’t know if I’m gonna have time to come back here baby between this meeting and me prepping for tonight’s show. I have my phone with me, you text me if you need me ok? I’ll stop by your dressing room before the show.”

Before he could reply to Adam Isaac had already answered. “That’s good, me and Tommy can have a little chat in the meantime. Need to catch up, I’ve been missing my bud. “ Seeing that uneasy look in his eyes, he came over to hug Tommy out of Adam’s arms. “I promise not to talk, ask or laugh at the word dick it that makes you feel better.”

It worked! Tommy smiled at Isaac. “Bitch!”

“Bastard!”

“Love ya.”

“Love you too”

Adam smiled as he had watched from a distance, Tommy and Isaac had become really close, forming a brother-like-bond and he wasn’t gonna come between that. He put on a jacket and walked out of the trailer, walking over the VIP entrance. Seeing Victor there both men greeted heartedly with a hug.

“Victor! Glad you could make it!”

“Adam! Hi, thanks for the invite man. I’m early, I know, last meeting was rounded way faster that scheduled!”

“No sweat! You’re welcome, was the least I could do. Come on I’ll introduce you to Jacob.”

Adam introduces both Victor and Jacob to each other, both men shaking hands.  “Jacob, can you arrange for Victor to have a backstage pass? I would like to do a backstage shoot after the show.”

“Sure thing Adam. Come on Victor, let’s get you what you need.”

While Jacob took care of the paperwork, Adam and Victor talked some more of the project. Explaining exactly his vision on the pics. “Specially before and after the show, he knows he’s good on stage. He zone’s out while he’s on stage and loses himself in the music…. ” _I’m gonna show my baby how amazingly beautiful and real he is through my eyes, captured by Victor’s camera._

As Jacob came back with a backstage pass for Victor Adam took his leave.

“See you both tonight”  

He waves them off as he heads over to the dressing rooms. He likes to have some time to himself before a show, stretching, warm up his voice, getting on a treadmill to start the adrenaline pumping. He has worked out a little routine and maybe it’s just superstition but he feels way more relaxed if he goes through it.

Meanwhile in the trailer Isaac is having a talk to Tommy.


	14. Chapter 14

“Bud, I didn’t wanna say anything in front of Adam, needed to tell ya this face to face. Just hear me out ok? I’m thinking you and Adam should talk to the band and the dancers, you don’t have to tell them the whole story it you don’t want to. I get the taking-it-slow-part-with Adam and that’s why I think you boys should be able to hug and kiss and touch when you need it or want it without someone teasing you about it.”

Tommy’s cheeks were even redder than red. “You’re an awesome friend you know that?”

“Yeah, I know … I have my moments.” Giving Tommy the biggest cheese eye grin the world has ever seen. “Now come on, let’s get out of here, you and me are gonna hang together till we’ve got to sound check.”

“I love you bud, you know that?”

“Right back at ya Tommyboy!”

 

*07:10 PM*

The band had just returned to their dressing rooms after sound check, getting dressed and going through hair and make-up when Adam entered the dressing room Isaac, Tommy and Monte were sharing. Isaac remembered what Adam had promised Tommy, to come visit him here before the show.

“Come on Monte, get your ass out of the chair. Time to for your extreme home-edition moment.”

Both left over to Sutan to get their make-up done, leaving Adam and Tommy alone.

 “Euh babe? We should talk about something” Adam can’t hide his feeling a bit nervous about this.

“We do?”

“Yeah, about the show.  We haven’t talked about it and well it is important to me. We do make out during Fever and you know I sometimes get lost in the heat of the moment and I, well after last night, this morning, whatever … I … I don’t wanna get caught up in the moment and force my way onto you in any way. I’d hate myself for that.”

Tommy hushes him with a finger to the lips. “It is part of the show Adam. I’m ok with that, really I am. Besides, I like how my body reacts to you. It, it made me so hard at times” He whispered these last words into Adam’s ear.  

“And I love how it makes all the girls almost come when we do that, it’s such an amazing rush. We should sell baby wipes to our fans you know, with our face on it.” He can’t help but laugh as he says it. Being on stage, idolized, worshipped by all these people is an unbelievable feeling. One needs to experience it to understand its addictive effect.

“Baby wipes?!?” Adam’s heartedly laugh fills the room. “Yeah, it is. Way better than any drug.”

“Go with the show Adam, like we’ve always done. Don’t change that because of me.”

“You sure? I mean I’m perfectly willing to change the routine for ya.”

“Yeah, I’m sure! Really, now get your ass out of here and go and get ready. I have to get ready and make myself pretty.”

Adam’s almost outside the dressing room when he comes running back looking into Tommy’s eyes.

“Did you forget something?” 

“Yeah, I did as a matter of fact. Forgot to wish you a kickass show tonight and to give you this…” Pressing his lips onto Tommy’s, loosing himself into his kiss the same way he did when he first locked his lips on his. “See you on stage Sunshine! Love you baby.”

 

*3 hours later … On stage*

 

_Ok come on get a grip of yourself! Stop thinking about what he told you. So he gets hard at times when we make out, no big deal. This is the stage-gay-stuff, this has got nothing to do with us, this, this is for their entertainment._

Looking at Adam perform from the backstage area Victor was more talking to himself than anything else, still Jacob had heard it. “Is it me or does he look nervous like worried all of a sudden? I hope his friend is alright.”

“I don’t know about Adam, but I’ve seen his friend and he seems to be doing better.” Jacob is not letting on who is talking about as he is looking over to Tommy’s side.

“That’s good news. The boy was so worried at the shoot. I’m guessing you made the call to him, it meant a great deal to him. Whoever his friend is, he cares deeply about him.”

“Yeah that was me. We took care of his friend while he was at your studio. Adam had left clear instructions. From the looks of things, both he and his friend seem fine.”

 _Breathe, just keep breathing … Don’t get hard, just don’t get hard…_ As Monte kicks in the song Tommy can’t help but fiddle at his hair as Adam’s enters the stage again … _Oh damn I feel nervous …_

 _“ **Here we go…”**_ _Keep it cool Lambert, don’t fuck this up, don’t fuck this up!_ And there he goes, entering the stage again.

“ ** _Hey … Hey … Hey_** ” Adam gestures Tommy to turn, to face him on stage, which he does. They’ve perfected this whole onstage communication; the whole band knows what the others want when they’re playing.

 _“ **There he walks my baby walks so slow sexual …”**_ Despite all the efforts he puts into it, as he starts to sing Adam feels his heart, his  body taking over. He needs to know, needs to feel it, unable to get out of his mind what this for-your-entertainment-make-out-session seems to do to Tommy’s body. _Oh Sunshine, see it. Please see beyond it, look into my heart, please God let him see my heart._ As lust, hunger for his touch takes over his mind and actions Adam’s right hand slides under Tommy’s bass right up to his crotch. Totally taking by surprise he can’t help but take a step back as to recover from it, recover from this intense heat that has emerged in his crotch, his pants are literally on fire.

“Adam…”  Tommy’s eyes are filled with lust, passion, love for this man, his man. _His_ man, the one who embodies sex on legs in his mind, the one that revealed a thousand and one emotions inside his mind. _Fuck Adam you’re so beautiful, so fucking hot!_

His right hands slides behind Adam, holding him close by his waist. Staring into Adam’s eyes like he has done so many nights before, he sees something, something only he can see, something only he knows.

“ **Tic-tac-toe yeah I know we both know It isn't time, no** … “ _Adam … Oh honeybun, I love you too ._ Tommy can feel his body heat up under Adam’s gaze. _Screw it, fuck em all, I’m so telling the world I love him!_

Making his move, his very first move, all on his own, in his own pace Tommy kisses first, even before Adam gets the chance to sing that last sentence, his lips are covering Adam’s. It’s his tongue that play’s with Adam’s, it’s his tongue that is making love with Adam’s,  it’s his passion that is being poured into Adam’s willing mouth forcing him to bend backwards to break off the kiss.

The girls in the crowd are going wilder than ever before, screaming out their adoration for all this hotness on stage, camera flashes are doing even more overtime.

Victor and Jacob, who are watching backstage, look at each other, understanding each other perfectly. They know it, the same way both Adam and Tommy know it, right there and then, their souls will be ok … They will be ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna take the time to thank you all for reading my very first fanfic, for all the kudos, the awesome reactions and the bookmarks both here and on Twitter. It means a lot to me. Thank you @blue_eye28, @nostalgicdream, @Lisa_Glamkitty, @katelowski - my lovely Twitter Glamchicks - for all your support, love and realness girls! Thanks to @bloodraven80, it was one of your story’s that made me want to write one myself.
> 
> And last but not least, special thanks to Adam & Tommy for being who they are and their awesome friendship/bond/connection inspiring- each in their own unique way - so many people, all over the world, with their music, thoughts, tweets and realness. Much love and respect to both of you!  
> Remember this is a fiction, so no point in stalking them or their real life partners. Adommy was, is and will always be for our entertainment and I for one, am very happy with that!
> 
> @Libra_fietje,  
> Proud Glambert – For life!


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